Oh, Shez! I'm sorry you're going through this. I can identify with what you're feeling, and it's not easy.

I'm not sure if our situations are exactly the same, but I feel similar emotions towards SO pretty regularly. The only way I've found to deal with it is to try and be as forthcoming as I can about what I'm feeling at any particular moment, and SO tries to give what I'm asking for (space, attention, validation, etc). Then I work through the next emotion that crops up. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I don't know if that helps, but hopefully knowing that someone understands eases your mind a bit! A question, though, what do you mean by trying to figure out what you're supposed to do?