Glad you got some sleep B.
I empathize deeply with your post. How the fantasy/obsession is consuming all of your thoughts. Then when it isn't, it is self-criticism barraging you. I understand.
I relate. I get it.

I also hate bpd. Remember, B, hating our disorder does not equate hating ourselves. You know this. And as scorp said, you ARE lovable and beautiful...It is our disorder that gives us the perception otherwise. (Although those perceptions certainly disguise themselves as reality often enough)...

Also, IMO, I don't feel you need to 'calm down' your talking. Get it out there girl, venting helps for me and what better place than our dysfunctional family here on PC? I do understand the feeling though (do you think it is a push/pull away from us? I ask because I feel I do this sometimes)

Much love your way B.

I'll check in too. I'm doing all right. Been somewhat complacent the last few days in my DBT, but having small successes here and there as far as emotion regulation. Having a current obsession that is all consuming but focusing on work and distracting with video games, chatting, drawing etc., I know it will pass too.

Going to do some physical work outside to get ready for winter this weekend...exercise really helps me as an anti-depressant. I have been riding the roller coaster of emotional flux lately...falling into deep depression and back into 'baseline' off and on. I do experience seasonal affective disorder, so it is most likely that. Here is hoping everyone is getting enough Vitamin D and exercise.

Much love.