This is very uncomfortable for me. Not really what I want to do, but I need to. So, I need some help on my sexual issues.

I'm almost nineteen years old, male, and still a virgin. That's not to say I've never been in situations before. Just two people. The first I was in love with. Well, I'm Borderline, so I thought I was anyway. With her, we fooled around a lot. She had had sex and been with people before, but I didn't care. So, we never had sex. The furtherest things went was me going down on her. She was always confusing about it. She'd shove her hand down my pants and go on about my ****, but was adamant we weren't going to do anything. Sometimes she'd give me the insane "I'm going to touch you, but I don't want you touching me" logic. Maybe I was the rebound guy, the best friendzone with benefits. She never even let me kiss her. Maybe so she wouldn't get attatched. This **** went on for six months. She would do stuff - but never let me finish. There was no gratification, just us screwing around. I guess she was afraid of something. She said the more guys she's with, the less "pure" she felt. Just one all the way and one she fooled with before me. And the current guy who she was with the night after me. You can tell I'm a bit bitter. Whatever her reasons were, it never happened. Not for lack of trying on my part, either.

The other one was this girl who got me when I was broken down about the other. I was not in my right mind and my judgment was compromised. Normally, this isn't an issue - but I couldn't get it up. My heart wasn't in it. She did stuff and I couldn't do it. So, I let her stay the night and that was that. We didn't have sex either.

My nineteenth birthday is coming up, I've graduated high school, and I'm seriously frustrated and embittered by my lack of experience. If I wanted to, I know I could just ask someone - and I could get it. I'm not, because it doesn't mean anything to me. I wanted it to be with that first girl I mentioned because that would have meant something. It meant a lot to me. Because I cared about her. Is there something wrong with me? None of my male friends understand why I'm so insistent on this idea and my female friends think it's "cute". Like a dumb puppy. I have a sex drive - a rather high one. From what the two girls seemed to think, nothing's wrong with me in equipment or execution. So, is there just my idiotic standards? Is this antiquated ideal of sex and love keeping me from functioning in the real world? I know there is no magic. Sex doesn't mean love nor the other way around. In the twentiest first century there is no first and only. Is my perspective skewered? Do I need to relax and just play the game? I'm an idealist. For a while my older friends have told me to just go find a **** buddy, because even for people in their forties, it's better than the committed relationship I want.

This isn't easy to talk about. Kind of embarressing, actually. So, I want honest input and some advice.