True, Sannah, I have to try things that are healthy until I am successful, and build on that. Staying in a some kind of cocoon gets me nowhere.

I think I was a lot worse in some ways when I was younger, certainly in terms of having negative or extremely anxious, visceral, responses to certain situations or people.

Not to make light of PTSD, but I am certain I had, maybe still have, some. The stress in my childhood and adolesence was just more than my brain could process, and I knew it at the time too, though back then my goal was mainly survival.

I remember times when it all just seemed, and I felt, unreal... though i knew it was so and what I was feeling was a means of detaching.

Still, as is said, the way out is through. I have to keep trying if I ever will have the life I really want.