Thanks for the input everyone.

The big thing is that I can honestly say I have never had a suicidal thought. My fears of abandonment are explained by ADD symptoms blowing relationships and always fearing the next relationship failure. It was the emotional emptiness that really caught my attention. I feel like I act my emotions based on what people expect. An abusive step-dad belittled me because of my being a sensitive child. At age 13 I decided to never show emotions that open me up for attack. This coping skill is still embedded today...

Thanks again everyone