I was single all through middle and high school, only asked out once by an older creeper who asked out every girl who'd even talk to him. I technically had a boyfriend for the last two weeks of my study abroad program (at age 19) which were an awkward mess compared to our great friendship before that. Then we were in different cities for the next two months before finally breaking up.

My only long-term relationship was a guy I asked out at age 21, and we were only in the same metropolitan area for half of the 10 months we were "together." He was basically leading me on and canceled on me constantly, always had an excuse, and made me think everything was my fault, when he was the one who refused to get invested. Even the times we were in the same greater city area, I hardly saw him. I distinctly remember something like eight canceled plans in a two week period of time. I was basically fun for him when there was nothing better to do. He messed with my mind as "just friends" twice after that. Both this guy and the first bf I met while I was still struggling with an eating disorder, though I recovered early on during the long-term relationship.

I go to social/academic/artistic/athletic/religious/volunteer events and get zero attention from guys, whether I try to relax and let things happen naturally or try to be more active in socializing. I think I'm okay looking (some people have said that I'm pretty/beautiful), and I'm a really good, caring, intelligent person. This will sound arrogant or something, but I hate when I see people who are extremely unattractive and/or awful people (b****y, dishonest, selfish, obnoxious, etc.) or even with way worse self-esteem issues than I have who have no problems getting dates or maintaining a relationship. Not that some of them don't deserve a relationship, but if they can get one, what is so wrong with me that I can't? I don't understand why if I'm a good person with good qualities, decent looking, don't have any kids (not that it's a bad thing, but most guys prefer girls without), that no one even gives a first glance. I'm probably coming across as a whiny jerk now. I have great friends who love to spend time with me and who can confide in me (and I with them), and I just want a romantic partner for that deeper connection. As more time passes, I have less and less hope though.

And regarding the death thing, I'd rather BE dead, but I would absolutely never even hurt myself in anyway much less kill myself. These feelings have come up before, and I've discussed them in therapy, but I know I'm safe. I just want some force of nature to take me out sometimes. It depends on the day. I don't know if that clarifies a few things. So I'm not completely inexperienced, but I've never been close to a solid, healthy relationship. I hope I didn't make myself out to be a total jerk with this post though :/