I didn't physically have a child, but I sort of adopted my daughter when I got together with my gf, so I've been her second parent for over half of her life now. The road has been rocky, there is no doubt about that. But it's also been wonderful.

For the first three years, I wasn't dx, and there were sometimes that it was really hard. Who am I kidding, even know it can be really hard. I know my case is a bit more unique, but I have quite a few times I can recall thinking that she doesn't love me because I'm not her biological mother, even though she calls me Mutti (the German word for mommy, because her call us both Mom is really confusing and aggrivating), and says she loves me every day.

My gf and I get into arguments all the time about how we are raising her, because we both have radically different ideas on parenting. In that aspect, I tend to be a lot stricter, so I also sort of take on the role of her father as well. I take her fishing and we go hiking, etc. Not to mention, the whole, "wait until Mutti gets home..." So I don't think she is disciplined enough, my gf thinks she is disciplined too much. I think she has a mouth problem that needs to be stopped now before she gets to be a teenager, my gf doesn't think it's that big of a deal. So we tend to fight a lot with each other over stuff like that. I can say my gf has been a saint about it.

Sometimes our daughter pushes me to the point where I feel like the monster inside me is going to snap, especially if I'm already agitated. Lately I've been getting better at avoiding yelling at her. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I get times where I sit and just yell at her. But after that, and lately sometimes before I even get there, I've gotten better at stopping and telling her she has to go play in her room for a bit until I relax more. I'll go out and have a cigarette or something, then we can go back to what we were doing. It helps that she understands that my head is "sick". I say sick because she is only five and that is the way she understands it. It's sick and that's why I have to keep going to the doctor and take all my meds to see if we can get it better.

I know this is long and pretty winded, but I just want to point out some of the joys and heartaches. It helps somewhat when you involve your child in your dx if possible, at least in my opinion. My daughter helps with a mood chart I made on a white board. Three times a day she gets to color in squares for whether I seem happy, sad, or mad to her. I think this helps her come to terms with my illness better, and it gives her a way to give me feedback on if I'm being too harsh or mean in a way that she does not have to worry about retribution. She has been told that no matter what she puts on there, there will be no consequence. And there are times she has put that I've seemed mad, so it seems to be working. And not all things are good. There are things I've said to her that I regret, and I probably always will, but children forgive easily. I think it's important though, even if you say something, or yell at your child, or whatever, you don't blame your disorder. That just teaches them to lay blame for their own mistakes elsewhere.

Ultimately, the choice always will be yours, we can't make the choice for you. There are definitely advantages to having a child. They will always love you, even if they say they don't. But it's also easy to see why you wouldn't and no one can blame you for anything if you choose not to. I hope you path becomes clear when you are ready to set out on it.