Thank you all so much for your input and encouragement! It's good to write down my thoughts here, and it's good to read your feedback.

I went to the doctor on Thursday. She asked mainly about my job seeking situation (feels overwhelming), pointed out that I had got my hair cut, and asked me again if I am feeling depressed, and I told her I just feels empty and sad and tired. But I was happy (feeling like a good girl) to tell her that during the past two weeks I had been out for a short walk and had been swimming with my only friend one evening. I told her that I had been with the psychologist, and that the psychologist told me to ask about meds. The doctor didn't want to give me meds, and told me to ask the psychologist if she could write her a letter with reasons for putting me on meds. Then she told me to go out for coffee with friends and exercise. I don't now what to think, but part of me feels like I'm being punished for trying hard to be positive, another part yells at me for my complaining and having too much self-pity. On the other hand, I respect my doctor for not just giving me meds and then hush me away. She gave me another appointment, and I didn't dare to ask why she wanted me to come back next Friday, so I hope the psychologist wont ask about it when I will meet with her on Wednesday. I know I just can't make me ask her to write that letter.

On Friday, I had a meeting with the unemployment office. The guy there is really nice and want to get me some work practice in a company I would really like work for. He takes care of the initial process and will go with me to talk with them if they are interested. I feel guilty, nauseous and frustrated for not being able to take the responsibility of getting myself a job, and I feel I'm misusing the social services, just demanding without taking responsibility for myself. I have been thinking about sending him an email and tell him to stop the payouts for me, and to stop helping me getting a job, but well, then I won't be able to pay my bills. Just sick of myself right now.