When I had my session last week, I was taking a break from PC, but here's how my session went:

First, I told T that I was having an issue with safe places; work in particular. She told me that the actions of one person shouldn't ruin my entire work experience. I understood that and told her that part of the problem was that my boss was gone for so long (out 1.5 weeks due to the death of his FIL) and because I was on vacation last week, I'm still had not seen him. I told her that once I make face-to-face contact with him, I'll feel better. [Note: I saw him today and everything is just fine.]

Secondly, I said I'd sent her an email related to the previous session asking her opinion related to my self-perception of acting "pathetic". She said she read it and didn't answer it. She asked me why I thought she didn't answer. I said that either she wanted to wait until today to talk about it or at it wasn't worth answering. She said neither was true; what was important for me to know was that what she thinks shouldn't matter. I asked about using her as a barometer. She said she wasn't an accurate barometer because as a therapist, she doesn't judge others and their actions, especially in the therapy room. I paralleled this with my own career; I don't judge my own clients. She asked me why I judged myself more harshly than others. I said it's what I do. We discussed this for a while...the main point saying that I should show myself some grace.

Thirdly, I told her I had difficulty doing the shame exercises in the Brene Brown book and I thought it was because there were certain places I actually had no shame in. She told me of one of the areas that she has shame in (it was so cool that she shared this). She said for her, motherhood and parenting aren't areas of shame for her because she is done raising her kids. Her biological daughter is the youngest and she's in her mid-20's. She said one of her shame areas is aging. She identified "old" and "irrelevant" as two of her unwanted identities. She defined "irrelevant" as "no longer useful to society". She gave the example of the WWII generation. They tend to be in their 80's and 90's now (as her parents would be if they were living now). She said when she sees that generation talking to younger generations, the younger generation reacts like: "Oh, you grew up during the depression? You were in WWII? So did everybody else your age, what's so special about that?" You can almost hear their eyes rolling. T is in her mid-50's and is starting to fear being treated the same way in the next couple of decades. We decided that I need to finish reading the book before completing the exercises. They make more sense once the context is understood.

Finally, the last thing that turned out to be the most healing of all and I know I'll be writing this in detail because I still can't believe it happened.

We got to the point where we were done, T said, "See you Friday, enjoy your vacation, bye!" I kept standing there. She looked up from checking her phone and said, "What?" I said I wanted to ask her something. She said okay. I kept standing there. She stared at me and started smiling. She said, "What you want to ask me?" I looked at her, then looked down the hall and said, "I should just go." I kept standing there. She said, "Seriously, if you want to tell me, you have to tell me now; I have to be somewhere at 5:30." I said, "It's hard because I have shame in this area." She said, "That's okay." I looked down the hall, looked back at T, hid behind my hair, then behind my book. Then I gathered up all the courage within me and said very softly while still looking down, "May I have a longer hug?" The next thing I knew, she threw her arms around me, squeezed me harder than she ever has before and didn't. let. go. She patted me on the back and said softly, "It's okay." She still didn't let go. I said, "I'm sorry." She held me even harder and said, "Don't apologize." I said, "You are patting me on the back, that's like tapping out." I felt her body slack and she said, "I'm patting you because I want you to know this is okay." She kind of nuzzled my head with hers. She still didn't let go. I said again, "I'm sorry." She said, "Don't apologize. The only time that an apology is appropriate is when you are doing something wrong...and you. have. done. nothing. wrong!!" She was still hugging me the whole time. I tried to pull away 3-4 times and she wouldn't let me. After a minute or two, she let me end the hug. I said, "I'm going to my car to cry now." She said, "That's okay too. All of this was okay."

Thank God the receptionist came up right at that moment, so I could get away without saying anything else...but that was the first time I believed it was okay to want her to hold me. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel untouchable. You see, from last November through this March, T would give me long hugs (@ 30 sec). Then she stated that she was no longer going to do that because she realized it was a block. She was right; it stopped my progress back then. What I didn't realize was that when T said she wasn't going to hold me anymore, I unconsciously perceived that she didn't want to touch me. Now I know it wasn't true. Also, apparently I've made enough progress that T didn't think it would cause me a block. That is very satisfying for me to know.

T had to cancel my appointment Friday because her daughter was having surgery (must have been very short notice because I didn't get the call from the receptionist until Thursday). I will see her again tomorrow.