Welcome, cheetos, and I hope you find here the support you need. It's a good place to start.
Another good place to start would be to go see a therapist.

Yes, I sometimes feel the way you wrote here. And when I do I write in my journal. I try not to beat myself up for feeling this way. It helps to acknowledge the feelings and the reason I feel this way. Like riding a wave. And going with the flow. Easier said than done, I know.
Hand in there!
Take gentle care,