All of this week and last week I have been frustrated with my inability to comprehend the material I am studying and by my obvious intellectual incompetency.

Among the numerous organizations I am active with, I am reading through some books provided to me to further my understanding of the organization, but, of course, as with all abstract and theoretical discussions, I can’t seem to understand a sentence in the books; it might as well be in a foreign language. Little else in this world is as unsettling for an individual like myself than failing to understand the basic principles of the material we are all learning, to be the sole idiot in a room surrounded by geniuses. Whenever I am told I am intelligent, that alleged ‘intelligence’ of mine is predominantly the memorization of useless and random information, which seems to be the extent of my intellectual capacity. It can be frustrating to put it mildly.

Furthermore, these last few weeks have seen unprecedented losses and mishaps in chess, which as some users here on PC know I am seriously competitive about. Last Friday, I had a chess match in the city between a member of one of the same organizations I am active with. I won the first round, and he absolutely eliminated me in the last round. He surprised me that he knew the move en passant, as few that I have met have known less obvious moves like that. How could I make a move as stupid as that, I wonder? It makes me think that whoever said the cliché and often paradoxical phrase, “Practice makes perfect,” needs to be hit over the head with a reality check, because I have been practicing and studying chess for a long time and still fail terribly at it. Yesterday, as I was in the mall, there was a large chess set and several matches being played in the centre of the mall, and I could see how much worse I am at chess than those players through watching their moves. Few people understand the nature of chess, the intellectual hierarchy that comes with it, and how painful it can be to lose at a game that is all about intelligence and psychology.

All of this - my inability to understand the study materials to my failures at chess in spite of the years of practice and studying I have done - makes me feel absolutely stupid and incompetent. I am nothing if not intelligent. What else do I have? I don’t have looks, love, a social life, money, degrees, accomplishments, nothing. What do I have to be proud of and be hopeful for if I am also stupid?

Such a failure.