I am new to all of this. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and this is the first time in my life that I am mustering up the courage to face it head on and do something about it. I am 46 years old and my life had always been in shambles, but now that my children are grown and don't want much to do with me, I have no choice but to fix it. They are my whole world and it kills me to live my life without them. They have no idea what I suffer with...I could never begin to describe what goes on inside of me to them so they could understand.

I found a little blip on the back of the book: The Angry Heart, by Santoro and Cohen that I can really relate to.

"We are chaotic, aggressive, manipulative, and angry at the world. But look inside the soul of a borderline (if you can get there) and you'll find something very different. Fear. Desperation. Abandonment. Incredible sensitivity."

I never realized that those around me saw me as chaotic, aggressive, manipulative, and angry person in me. I have been told that I am either too intense or aloof, that I see in black and white, and that it is all or none with me....but, wow! I didn't know I was that bad....and I am...I really am. This is heartbreaking.

I always feel desperate and fear abandonment, so I suffocate others until they run away scared. I always feel inferior to others to the point that I have severe anxiety because I know there is nothing I can do or say to please them or be accepted by them. I am super paranoid that others intentionally try to hurt me. It is good that I know this...but no matter how much I try to convince myself that these things are not "normal", I still cannot change my behaviors/emotional reactions.

I am sick of the doom and gloom of life. I want to be a person who is not easily offended, who can find joy in the midst hardship, and I want to be a person who can see reality for what it is and to be able to love others and to show it in a way that others can make sense of it. And I WANT TO BE ABLE TO RECEIVE LOVE too.

I am so confused and so lost and so frustrated. I need someone who knows what I am going through to share these things with...someone who I can open up to and who will open up to me, someone who will be completely honest with me and with whom I can be completely honest with as well. Do true friendships exist? Or am I confused about that too?