Since I have such a fragmented ego, if any at all, this is why I am having such a difficult time getting over termination.

I can't ground myself retroactivelly. I can't figure out what my own emotions were at the time about me, if I was even there.

I can't figure out whether to a) flog myself for being so childish, helpless, enmeshed, and such a loser OR b) accept that I will be one of the four horsemen, get on my horse since I am the antichrist and spread hate, discontent, and dependency, helplessness, and childishness all around the world.

I want to know what my xT now thinks of me (far from thinking the world of me I suspect). It shouldn't matter, but it does.

The reason I want to know this is not because I am so enmeshed that I really need to know his opinion of me, it is moreso the fact that I am not whole and that I would like to know if he will corroborate the feelings I have for myself (self-hatred, disgust, neediness - puke).

It's like I can't figure this one out myself. Because of all that has gone on, all of my rage and anger spewed outward and in, and feeling disoriented most of the time during termigeddon (this includes termination AND the termination phase) has left me with nothing but a question mark where my ego is supposed to be. I get that I need to decide this for myself. This is why I'm so much in a panic. I'm terrified that he will align with the part of me that hates myself, although I can't say that I think he will.

I'm not fully able to explain this, it sounds obtuse and absurd. These are just ramblings, they are the start of me figuring out how to word this to fully express it, but I have a lOOOOOOOOOOOOOOng way to go. I have ALOT of time in this abyss.