redhead 42, BPD is an extremely difficult illness to live with. All people live with a certain level of fear of abandonment, but nothing compared to what the victim of BPD lives with. Sometimes it feels like life or death, and that leads to manipulative behavior as the patient tries desperately to hang on to people they love. I had a close friend for many years with BPD and bipolar disorder as well. She was artistic, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate. She could also be accusitory, withdrawn and even cruel emotionally. I honestly don't believe the things she did were done on purpose, or maybe a better way of explaining it would be that she may have known what she was doing, but had no control over it. The only reason we are no longer friends is that she chose to leave her past behind, and that included me. I understand it, and although it still hurts losing a close friend, I can understand why she would not want to be reminded of a time that was very painful for her.

I remeber stopping to see her at her job one evening, (she worked as a solo janitor in an elementary school), and her handing me an electric knife and telling me to get rid of it. She didn't have to tell me why. I was caught between protecting her privacy (she asked that I not tell anyone), and going to her parents. I was young and kept it a secret. Fortunately, she never went through with suicide.

I'm telling you this because she did get help and now is living a fairly normal life. She has a couple of children, loving husband and works in a library. She asked that I not contact her anymore. It took years of therapy, but she had a therapist that she trusted, and between talk therapy and medication, she was able to fight her way out. I couldn't tell you if she is completely normal, probably not, but there is hope of feeling better and learning to control some of the feelings and behaviors that haunted her for so many years.

I really hope that you can find some peace with the right therapist. You may not come out of it unscathed, but at least you have a chance to move forward with the right care. Please don't give up on yourself.

Sam2