I just found out today that my abusive ex got engaged, and I had a strong, emotional reaction to the news. My T is currently on vacation but, in the past, I talked to her quite a bit about my ex and the negative effects our 5-year relationship had on me. However, nothing she's said has helped me to get over the viseral feelings I still have about it.

It was my first relationship, I was only 20 when we met, and I was very naive. At the beginning I was so excited to be IN a relationship, that I didn't notice all of the warning signs. I didn't realize until much later that I was gradually giving her more and more control, I was allowing her to constantly put me down, and I was allowing her to change who I was. I gave up so much of my power to her and I allowed her to walk over all of my boundaries to the point that, when I tried to enforce them again, I wasn't able to. After 3 years, I absolutely hated her. Seeing her made me nauseous. Any time she tried to touch me, it felt absolutely disgusting and I tried to get away. Every time she opened her mouth, it was to insult me or tell me what I had done wrong. And every time she said those things, more anger just piled up inside, but I learned not to express it because I was afraid of her. It felt like it was her against me, but the deck was stacked in her favor. She was manipulative, controlling, and abusive. I didn't stay with her because I loved her or I wished she could change or I wanted to be with her. I stayed for 2 more years because I felt trapped. A part of me was afraid of being alone but, even more than that, I felt like she was not allowing me to go. Logically, I knew I could leave but, emotionally, I felt like I couldn't. I felt like I was being held hostage. And, in a way, I wasn't entirely wrong. When I finally did ask her to leave (it was my house), she refused. I ended up having to call (big, strong) mutual friends to come and say: "If you don't leave, we will be forced to carry you out and/or call the police." The night before she left, she also tried (again) to physically force herself on me, to the point that I had to lock myself in my walk-in closet. In fact, the last week that she lived in my house (when I was telling her to leave, but she was refusing), there were several nights that I slept in my closet just to protect myself from her. This relationship ended 2 1/2 years ago and, since then, I've had 2 other relationships, both of which were happy. Yes, they ultimately didn't work out, but they were still positive relationships. My negative experience with my ex didn't directly affect those relationships. I'm still open, warm, honest, and capable of healthy, functional relationships. Now, I know how to pick healthy partners so that I never end up in that situation again. Since I broke up with her, I've never dated anyone who was controlling or abusive, and I've never been afraid of anyone I've been with since. However, there are still times when I'm alone that I can physically feel my ex touching me, and it just makes me cringe and feel sick. Even though she and I are not friends on facebook, we have friends in common and I will unexpectedly see her in a picture on one of my friend's fb pages. (That's how I found out about her engagement; I was reading my friend's fb page and there were photos that said "Ex's engagement party!") Even though I've blocked her fb page, there's no way to block pictures of her from appearing on other peoples' pages. Seeing those pictures will turn me from having a good day, to feeling like I want to throw up, and feeling like creepy-crawlers are spreading all over my body. That's the worst part-- the visceral feelings like I'm being infected with her cooties and I can't get her to stop touching me. I will also hear friends mention her in conversation, and it makes me both nauseous and angry at the same time. I know that there was a time when I was happy with her, and I thought that I loved her, but I honestly cannot remember that time. (T has asked repeatedly to come up with a "good memory" and there isn't one; if they existed, I've blocked them). I don't have a single fond memory of her and there is nothing positive that came out of that relationship for me. I was a strong, confident, happy person when I went into the relationship-- the relationship broke me down-- and it's taken me a long time to rebuild myself and become a strong, confident person again. I don't feel as though I'm "better" or "stronger" for having gone through it. I feel like I would have been much better off if I had never gone through it, because it's taken me so long just to get back to where I was before. She violated me in every possible way, and she made me feel unsafe. It still feels like there's something dirty that she left in my body, and I can't get it out. My T doesn't seem to take this problem seriously. She sees it as I was in a relationship and I everything that happened was consensual. It's true that I was in a relationship with her and it's true that I consented to things I did NOT want to do because I felt pressured-- however, it's also true that she touched me after I said "no" to the point that I had to physically beat her off of me several times. I still have regular nightmres about it, and there's nothing I can do to get these nightmares to stop. I've tried talking to T, I've tried thinking/listening/watching happy things before bed, I've tried silly rituals with my friends where we "expel" her or burn her picture, etc. But still, the nightmares persist. Does anyone have any feedback on what I can do to heal from this?