i suppose your right, rebel. i always assumed i was pathetic, and i had many around me telling me so too. i always felt i missed out on a happy childhood and i hate that. i would loved to have been able to grow up healthy and happy, but it wasnt meant to be. ive always been told im crap at this, rubbish at that, am this, am that...and so i guess i just naturally assume i am those things. i dont do that now, i dont let me people talk to me like that anymore, but its hard not to absorb this treatment when you are young. i was always an outcast (whether it is my own doing or not) and i was always having to ammuse myself and be good company for myself so when i look back i think i was pathetic for it, but i dont know, maybe i wasnt. like you say, its not my fault is it.

thank you, and damajdancer, there was support in there, i saw it. thank you. unfortunately, i have no where else to go if it all exploded so i will remain quiet until i can leave and then i will reveal all. im currently writing a book now and its going to be all in that, and i will be getting it published hopefully. i dont want to be quiet anymore, doing that makes me think the people who have ruined my life are getting away with it, and they shouldnt be allowed to. when i finish the book i will send it to you guys first if you want so you can read it, im hoping its going to be educational and inspirational for those who have had similar experiences or who are experiencing it now. i hope to do this in music too in the near future.

speak soon.