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Originally Posted by scorpiosis37
I just found out today that my abusive ex got engaged, and I had a strong, emotional reaction to the news. My T is currently on vacation but, in the past, I talked to her quite a bit about my ex and the negative effects our 5-year relationship had on me. However, nothing she's said has helped me to get over the viseral feelings I still have about it.
Did your t consider what she did to you as sexual abuse? You have been violated and it was traumatic. I think perhaps your t didn't take this very seriously and brushed it under the carpet and concentrated on the other details like the unhealthy part of the realtionship, which includes this but also the rest. Maybe T was more concerned with teaching you how to have a healthy relationship and to spot the warning signs. It depends on what kind of therapy your T uses but mine was humanistic and she was obsessed with the whole healthy realtionship and nothing else I said mattered.
Has you T actually validated that this was abuse and what she did harmed you?
I went to see another t a few times and she was amazing, she said my ex had abused me in everyway she manipulated me and controlled me and these are the things I needed to hear because in all the time 1.5 years I seen ex t( who specialised in gay/lesbian issues) she always blamed me and said I alloweed her to do these things which in a way I did but I needed sympathy too, I needed someone else to realise what pain I was in and that I was hurt. I needed to feel validated.
Once my feelings were validated the pain eased and I was able to stop them going around and around my head.
It was my first relationship, I was only 20 when we met, and I was very naive. At the beginning I was so excited to be IN a relationship, that I didn't notice all of the warning signs. I didn't realize until much later that I was gradually giving her more and more control, I was allowing her to constantly put me down, and I was allowing her to change who I was. I gave up so much of my power to her and I allowed her to walk over all of my boundaries to the point that, when I tried to enforce them again, I wasn't able to. After 3 years, I absolutely hated her. Seeing her made me nauseous. Any time she tried to touch me, it felt absolutely disgusting and I tried to get away. Every time she opened her mouth, it was to insult me or tell me what I had done wrong. And every time she said those things, more anger just piled up inside, but I learned not to express it because I was afraid of her. It felt like it was her against me, but the deck was stacked in her favor. She was manipulative, controlling, and abusive. I didn't stay with her because I loved her or I wished she could change or I wanted to be with her. I stayed for 2 more years because I felt trapped. A part of me was afraid of being alone but, even more than that, I felt like she was not allowing me to go. Logically, I knew I could leave but, emotionally, I felt like I couldn't. I felt like I was being held hostage. And, in a way, I wasn't entirely wrong. When I finally did ask her to leave (it was my house), she refused. I ended up having to call (big, strong) mutual friends to come and say: "If you don't leave, we will be forced to carry you out and/or call the police." The night before she left, she also tried (again) to physically force herself on me, to the point that I had to lock myself in my walk-in closet. In fact, the last week that she lived in my house (when I was telling her to leave, but she was refusing), there were several nights that I slept in my closet just to protect myself from her. This relationship ended 2 1/2 years ago and, since then, I've had 2 other relationships, both of which were happy. Yes, they ultimately didn't work out, but they were still positive relationships. My negative experience with my ex didn't directly affect those relationships. I'm still open, warm, honest, and capable of healthy, functional relationships. Now, I know how to pick healthy partners so that I never end up in that situation again. Since I broke up with her, I've never dated anyone who was controlling or abusive, and I've never been afraid of anyone I've been with since. However, there are still times when I'm alone that I can physically feel my ex touching me, and it just makes me cringe and feel sick. Even though she and I are not friends on facebook, we have friends in common and I will unexpectedly see her in a picture on one of my friend's fb pages. (That's how I found out about her engagement; I was reading my friend's fb page and there were photos that said "Ex's engagement party!") Even though I've blocked her fb page, there's no way to block pictures of her from appearing on other peoples' pages. Seeing those pictures will turn me from having a good day, to feeling like I want to throw up, and feeling like creepy-crawlers are spreading all over my body. That's the worst part-- the visceral feelings like I'm being infected with her cooties and I can't get her to stop touching me. I will also hear friends mention her in conversation, and it makes me both nauseous and angry at the same time. I know that there was a time when I was happy with her, and I thought that I loved her, but I honestly cannot remember that time. (T has asked repeatedly to come up with a "good memory" and there isn't one; if they existed, I've blocked them). I don't have a single fond memory of her and there is nothing positive that came out of that relationship for me. I was a strong, confident, happy person when I went into the relationship-- the relationship broke me down-- and it's taken me a long time to rebuild myself and become a strong, confident person again. I don't feel as though I'm "better" or "stronger" for having gone through it. I feel like I would have been much better off if I had never gone through it, because it's taken me so long just to get back to where I was before. She violated me in every possible way, and she made me feel unsafe. It still feels like there's something dirty that she left in my body, and I can't get it out. My T doesn't seem to take this problem seriously. She sees it as I was in a relationship and I everything that happened was consensual. It's true that I was in a relationship with her and it's true that I consented to things I did NOT want to do because I felt pressured-- however, it's also true that she touched me after I said "no" to the point that I had to physically beat her off of me several times. I still have regular nightmres about it, and there's nothing I can do to get these nightmares to stop. I've tried talking to T, I've tried thinking/listening/watching happy things before bed, I've tried silly rituals with my friends where we "expel" her or burn her picture, etc. But still, the nightmares persist. Does anyone have any feedback on what I can do to heal from this?
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Scorposis37,
reading this was like reading an excerpt from my diary. It was scary how much was mirrored in your experience and mine.
I was 23 and it was my first lesbain relationship. I was so young and niave and excited too. All the warning signs were there from the start but because I had no experince in what to look for I didn't see them.
The first night we met me ex forced herself on me...I creid for three weeks after and wouldn't answer her calls, so she called to my house- bearing in mind I wasn't out and my parents had not yet met her. So she invaded my boundaries and my privacy, red flag number one.
She had a very high sex drive when we first met, too much even for me and when I had my periods or simply wasn't in the mood she would get very aggressive and hit me. I knew something wasn't right but I had no experience and couldn't ask anyone because our relationship was secret and I wasn't out.
As soon as we moved in together she told me we couldn't be intimate anymore. I was shocked, hurt and confused and again alone.
Anyway she treated me like dirt, like I was hers. Controlled my every move.
Controlled my friends, I had to stop talking to most of them. She frequently read my emails, my private messages on facebook and looked through my phone- convinced I was having an affair with a man,Its funny now but it wasn't then. I have no interest in men.
We were together for six years and in those six years I learned to love her. I couldn't make a decision without her, we relied on each other so much we were bound to each other. I have never felt so connected to another human being before. It scares me now. I gave her every part of me to abuse and hurt. Anyway to cut a long story short she had an affair thats how I became free of her. Although I am not free of her because she still lives in my head and occupies my every thought.
After we split, I moved out, I moved shifts I left her everything I just asked her to be honest with me and admit the affair, she couldn't even do that for me. She said it was all in my head- it was all in my head that her bit on the side was waiting outside the night I left and moved in straight after I left, it was all in my head all the lies she told me- I made them up, yeah right. She was still controlling me after we broke up. She damn near made me lose my mind. My t said I was close to becoming very mentally unwell. I believed everything she told me and went into denial about the affair.
My ex refused to tell me why we broke up and convinced me it was my fault so I blamed myself for everything and ruminated over every single painful detail minute after minute. She taunted me at work, shouted at me in front of everyone. Told all the other gay women in town that I was a weirdo and a freak and to stay away from me. She found out I was meeting up with this girl for the fist time and seen her out the night before we were due to meet and threatened her in the bathrooms to stay away from me and to leave me alone. This woman I used to love is going to be forty next year but behaves like a teenager.
All her so called new friends eventually found out what she is like after she had several affairs with some of them and stirred up nothing but trouble, they abandoned her. SHe was left alone for the first time in her life this time last year and I felt sorry for her. I was still in denial about the affair and knew nothing about what happened with the girl she was with well left me for- she had an affair on her too.
We ended up getting back together as my feelings for her were still as strong as ever, they never died. Three months later she had another affair on me I was gutted. It is the way she does it too. She introduced both girls as friends of her and one night after work, she knew I would be calling to the house. This other girls car was outside, the lights were off and she wouldn't answer the door. It was so cruel and hurtful but yet I am still thinking about her, I still love her.
She abused me in every way yet I still can't get her out of my head. I wish I could I have tried everything. Dating other women doesn't work for me because they are simply not my type but my ex pretended to be someone she wasn't so I would like her. SHe pretended to have the same hobbies as me, she was against drinking, smoking, sports but once she met this other girl, sh started smoking, drinking, gambling all night at the casino. It was frightening how much she changed. I completely went into shock becasue I didn't know who she was so who was I?
Now I am going through a complete identity crisis. I am completey suspicious of all other women I meet because I know they have cheated on their partners. We have mutual friends too and I completely understand the whole face book thing and freinds mentioning her name. Every time her name is mentioned I feel like I have been punched in the stomach and it hurts. I have told people not to talk about her but it falls on deaf ears every time.
Anyway Scorposis, I don't think there is a quick fix to this situation. I don't think there is a solution but if there is I would love to try it. As with everything time is the best healer. I mentioned above about getting your feelings validated helps a little. You have been through hell with this woman and I don't think your T is getting that and just how badly she abused you. Do you think you might be suffering from PTSD?
My t never mentioned any of this to me but it was after coming here I realised I had been suffering from that. I wish It could be better for you and that you could erase all of those hurtful memories but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.
Feelings are like children, they will scream and scream until you give them attention and as soon as you do they still quiet. Maybe if you sit with these feelings and memories and take time to process them they will eventually ease. I know it will be painful and confusing but they are trying to tell you something.
Anyway I am here if you ever want to talk about anything PM me.
