I have spent the past 25 years working with domestic violence victims, including lesbian women, and I can tell you that anyone that understands just a little bit about domestic violence would get that you were a victim. Physical violence is not critical to the experience of domestic violence-- control is, and in my experience, more sophisticated (i.e. educated, intelligent) abusers are successful at achieving control via emotional and sexual violence and do not need to resort to putting their hands on you.

Unfortunately, many T's are insufficiently trained in domestic violence and over the years, I've heard a lot of dumb stuff they have said about it. Domestic violence is extremely traumatic, the symptoms you describe are PTSD symptoms, and that would point in exactly the general direction that sunrise suggests. The research shows that 80-95% of domestic violence victims have PTSD at some point, usually after they've left the relationship. How could the experience of domestic violence not be traumatic, as it upends everything you expect in a loving/romantic relationship-- the person who has said (and usually continues to say) that they love you does terrible things that cause all kinds of pain, and living in fear is pretty much the worst kind of living.

I do agree that you need trauma-focused therapy, be it talk therapy or any other type you wanted to try. But the reason why the effects of that relationship linger on is because you haven't yet been able to do the work to let it go. You have to hold onto something before you can let it go, and I suspect that your T's dismissal of this as an issue has impeded your progress in this area.

I am just really sorry that you had to go through a violent relationship for five years-- happy that you have come through it strong and confident. Your symptoms are showing you that you need to deal with it-- I hope your T is willing and able, but if not, please consider seeing a T who is trained and experienced in working with DV victims. Does your university have a women's center? Ask to speak to the director for referrals. Also, your local domestic violence shelter should offer (free) individual and group therapy counseling; it's something to consider. And your LGBT center on campus or community-based should have resources for assisting DV victims. The incidence of DV in gay/lesbian relationships is just as high as in heterosexual ones.

You've obviously made a lot of strides towards healing. You do not have to live with this person in your head and/or heart. It is possible to move forward and eliminate the symptoms you are experiencing with competent therapy.