Because my cellphone is made of ********, I lost my post before I could finish or post it. So, here's the laconic.

I'm exhausted. Just constantly tired and sore. My back, shoulders, neck, joints: they're all sore and they all just make me more tired. The tiredness is killing me. It's keeping me from living and that destroys me inside. I've got an interview later today, but I don't know how well I'll be able to handle it. They got me at the last minute and I didn't get a chance to shave or get a haircut. My other one is in a week, so I had time. Thought I did, until I got a call the night before last. Stubble on my face and a broom on my head. It doesn't matter. I don't know if I'll get the job and even if I do, I'll not be strong enough to do it. So, my life is just disappointment after disappointment.

This constant haze and continual struggle of terror and pain just keeps tearing 9 everything I've built. My friends and loved ones are gone. Some of it - a lot of it... most of it - is my fault. The girl, my best friend - brother I called him, my best friends of the past two years, so many of my close friends - mentors and protectorates: all gone. I loved them. She and I were close, almost inseperable, even if we fought constantly: I pushed her away, pulled her close. Couldn't stand the heartache of her away or her too close. I understand why she's gone and I know I can't do anything about it. My best friend and I grew apart. It happens. I've been gone for three years and us not being close is normal. It still hurts. I want my big brother back. My two other closest friends are gone, too. One I'm still friends with, the other I'm better off without. My buddy left for the Navy. I'm proud of him, but I still feel hurt and alone. The other felt I didn't respect him and that I was too needy. He's a sociopath and I have DPD traits. Our last fight was because I refused to adhere to his advice. Which, like everything he said I ought to do, was immoral and illegal. I don't care how emotionally hurt and sexually frustrated I am, I'm not taking advantage of someone, three years younger than me - mind you, just because she's enamored with me. That's wrong. Which makes me a bad friend. I'm better off without him. I feel alone because these people were close to me and are all gone. My mentors don't speak to me, anymore. They're either all busy or just disappeared. I don't even know at this point. My protectorate, my wards, they all became disillusionned with my weakness, selfishness, and failures. My little girl, I was like a father figure to her, and I fell off her pedastal because I wasn't able to save her - to stay strong myself. They're all gone. The only one I blame is myself. This vision myoping self-hatred that I can't escape from is defeating everything I've worked for. All of my suffering and all the love I've felt.

The last thing she asked for was a shirt that smelled like me. I gave her my favorite shirt, that I'd had for six years. After a fight we had, she threw out every gift I'd given her - said she didn't want momentos of heartbreak. I still have everything she gave me. I'm so sorry...

All I know is that I've hurt these people far too much. I resolved to leave them alone and just suffer alone. They'll never know how terrible I feel about what happened and I'll never havep them back. Because I was weak. Now I spend every day terrified of myself, what I can do, and what'll happen if I lose control again. I spend every day filled with resentment and bitterness towards everyone.

My God, my God, why have I forsaken You?