Anne, I think some of what you say is true about my xT, that he wanted me to go to someone who had the skills to help me. I lack a true, strong sense of self. It is like I am a conglomeration of everyone around me. I am hypervigilant most of the time, I think it is a defense mechanism, but it makes me feel paranoid, and if anyone says/does anything that triggers me, I am flooded with emotion and it is so, so hard to remove myself from the flood. It is so, so difficult to feel so much when another says/does something that is triggering, my emotions flood my brain and the ability to think. So, that is one reason why, when I am triggered, that I think it was meant for me, because how could it not be if I feel so much pain or whatever strong emotion. Interestingly, like, if at work someone says, the people you work with complement you frequently, I don't believe it. I think that person is just saying that for no reason. It the person said that those people dislike me, etc., I will viscerally believe it. I need to change this, but this is me for now.

I don't see myself as others see me (as I am told). I don't feel like I give any tenderness to anyone or help. I know that I do, but I don't feel like I do. My emotions and intellect are pitted against each other and I need to work on this.

You talk about my T and that it was probably more about him than me. I think you might be right, but a part of me can't believe that. I know that this is transference now, though. I know that I felt like T manipulated me to serve himself, I know that I felt like he had issues that really hurt me, and I know that I feel that he is SO glad I'm gone. BUT I also know that I felt all of this about people in my past. So, I feel like I am reliving something from my past and how I felt as a child but I'm not sure what it is. I did experience transference with xT, and am now seeing it a bit more clearly. So, I don't think this is much about xT, although it is a little. It's only when people are angry, upset, disappointed, that I think it is about me, whether it is or not. I'm trying to put my experience into words, but I still feel like I have a way to go.

You ask why not be positive toward myself. Good question. I can't. I feel as if I let myself just be, and not tighten every muscle in my body that I can, and feel peace and happiness, I feel as if anyone can and will hurt me. My anger and rage keep my body in an intense stance waiting for "something wicked this way comes." I think if I am angry/enraged enough, that I then dissociate, become numb, and don't care. It is serving some kind of function that I don't know if I can fully discern.

I am trying. I am making mistakes I think. Getting my feelings out has helped the most. I think my T can help me with all of this, but I think I had to feel it, experience it (the anger), and express it before it will dissipate. So, my negativity is more like a defense if that makes sense. A totally irrational defense, I know. Thanks for being so insightful