from the worst of me...I feel safe enough to be vulnerable with the hurt and pain now, its taken several years to get here...but find that I cannot allow that part of me that is the worst of the worst to be talked about..when I was hospitalized years ago I could not control it..found myself staring at a terrified psychiatrist..after it got loose..stopped my heart..shut me down..never again I swore to see that fear in someone elses eyes..the terror my own eyes witnessed many times..it haunts me..now in therapy years laters I have just come to realize...I will only allow so much to be expressed emotionaly, afraid that there will be a moment when I loose the control ot this inner monster created by abuse..the one that sent me to the throat of this other doctor...waking up suddenly staring into his terrified eyes..after a dissociative event..I feel like a Dr Jeykll Mr Hyde...

It is not in my nature but there is this darkness which I have deep inside..like a caged animal..it torments me..ok..but someone else..never..oh I am conflicted with this drama...how do I approach my T about it....he reasures me that there is nothing I could do that he could not handle..but...Hyde..mmmm...is this common with anyone..input is appreciated...posting this was very hard..I am not a violent person...just broken in very deep places that I keep under lock and key..chains..big metal doors..several tons of bricks..huge blocking problem here..help..