Today I voted, went to my interview, and picked up some Hardee's. Because my life is ****ing thrilling. Watching Criminal Minds to keep my mind on something nicer than my problems. Serial killers are a step up from the black hole in my heart. I'm afraid of losing control of my anger. Losing my grasp on reality. Losing what little reality I have with my personality. Still not sure who the HELL I am. I'm Agnostic, but I used to pray at least a few times a week. Once a month maybe. I don't have a damn clue. God... I don't deserve a God. I'm a failure and a coward. Yeah, days and nights of fear and anger. A daze of hate for a knight of suffering. Yes, I stole that - I have no creativity. I fear and hate myself becaus e I know I'm a monster. A loser. A failure. A traitor.

I doubt I got the job because my leg wouldn't stop shaking and I couldn't even fake confidence. Even when I tried showing off my Spanish, I choked. Maldita sea, soy un idiota! No es ningún misterio porqué mi familia cree que soy un fracaso. Yeah, I'm a failure. I used to try and identify with these idiotically abstract concepts and ideals, trying to give myself some meaning and an identity. I'm not a demon, a samurai, a knight, a hero, nothing. I'm no Jedi. Hell, I failed my trials. Courage, skill, flesh, spirit, and insight. I failed all of them. They put me in remedial classes. I haven't spoken to any mentors in months. According to tradition I'm either expelled or forced to retake the trials; I guess I'm on probation. Courage is confronting great odds and overcoming it; I gave into despair. Flesh is overcoming physical hardship and emotional seperation; I was desperate and overwhelmed. Skill is doing the impossible - being more than you thought; I collapsed, exhausted and afraid. Spirit is facing yourself in the mirror and overcoming your flaws: I ran away. Insight is understanding the truth of things; I was blind, willfully so. I'm a failure through no fault of anyone but me.

Now I'm just angry. I'm always angry. She left me. Why was it so ****ing easy for her?! Why?! I can't stand living without her and she doesn't give a damn! Puta. They all left me and it was just so ****ing easy for them! Am I the only one that cares?! I make mistakes! I'm only human! I thought friends supported each other through thick and thin - for better or for worse! I guess I'm just wrong, as usual. I'm lonely and scared. I can't do this on my ****ing own! Why does no one care?! I don't want to be alone.

Cat...I wish we could fix this.