Part of the dissociative aspect I guess..when we talk in therapy and we begin to approach violent trauma subjects..I will calmy unemotionally talk about something or bits of something..distance myself pathologically from the emotions behind the words or images..so I dont feel anything..it is like viewing a diaganol plane where there is a splitting of some sort...but something inside does feels intensely..but its seperated somehow..out of reach..it is a darkness, rage does not sound like it would be savage enough to descirbe it..but its like it is running in the background..like a silent movie..where you get the pictures but no sound..oh I dont know it is getting frustrating but I am think this is part of trauma processing..at some level..just unsure if its wise to allow it out..feel like one sick puppy..because I dont understand how wharped this is...the previous post brought me some insight into it though..

thanx for the helpful comments EV ..although I dont think I would want to go the Hospitalization route..to much fragmentation occurs..plus dont like being drugged or watched..its been years since my last group of episodes..but I am sure things have not improved in that setting from what I hear and read about ..I am seeing a trauma specialist along with my T..they are talking about doing something jointly..perhaps that would be a safe way to process some of this..it has allot of energy behind it and it is draining me...I just cant get past the feeling that I am protecting my T from this monster thing..makes no sense at all does it....but thanx for offering some support and constructive ideas...it helps..