May trigger - talks about s*x*al ab*s* but with no details

Hi everyone,

Have been having a hard time this past week. Hubby was out of town for work Tues thru Friday night and my Mom decided to drop off a four-page "letter of apology" on Tuesday afternoon. Then we started emailing each other about once per day, trying to set up a time and place to meet on Saturday to discuss the letter. I had not spoken to or emailed either of my parents since I confronted them about my Dad sexually abusing me growing up. (I confronted them because I have a 2 yo daughter and I watched him have inappropriate boundaries with her repeatedly. It was actually watching them sitting together that caused me to remember what happened to me.)

Long story short, getting the letter wasn't great, the emails were worse, and meeting on Saturday was very difficult. Before the meeting, I chickened out (ok, "practiced good self-care") of talking to Mom about the stuff in her letter. I sent her a long email requesting further clarifications and made a few observations. Received her reply Sat. night. It was horrible. I cried for about an hour. My reaction wasn't off-base cause hubby read it too and was pretty steamed and also disappointed. He had been led to believe when talking to my parents a few weeks ago that both parents were out of denial and actively seeking therapy so that they can see my daughter again. Turns out my dad definitely does not believe it happened, has only had two sessions of therapy in the last 5 weeks, and is seeking out information about false memories to support his theory. Mom believes it happened but is still able to deny some of the behaviors of my Dad's that she and I watched together and discussed at the time that it happened. She now doesn't remember it that way. I'm really glad that I journal important stuff like that when it happens so that I can go back and see if I am wrong. Mom wrote "I don't believe Dad is/was seriously mentally ill because the sexual abuse was due to having alcoholic blackouts" and since he doesn't drink anymore we don't have to worry about his granddaughters. Agggghhhhh!

I'm really sad right now and also angry. The reason that I confronted them was so that my daughter might be able to have my parents be in her life after they got help/treatment (my mom didn't sexually abuse me, but she enabled him then and now). I know that it has only been 5 1/2 weeks since I confronted them, but I feel as though I have stepped into a deep dark pit of pain and misery that will continue for much too long.

Oh, and to add to my confusion, my father dissociated during the confrontation in my therapist's office whenever sexual abuse was discussed. My therapist saw it too. His mind was just not present in the room. When addressed directly, he would come back and say "huh, I wasn't able to listen because I'm too overwhelmed", but was able to stay present whenever we didn't talk about sex directly. And I saw the same "not present not responding" look when he used to sit with my daughter with her hands in/next to his crotch (at which point I would walk up and tell him to say it wasn't ok, he looked at me blankly, I told daugher to move her hands). Is he DID? Can a person not have DID but repeatedly dissociate whenever sexual abuse is discussed or is taking place? I just don't understand how an intelligent man can be told "your granddaughter's hands should not go anywhere that you would feel uncomfortable with an adult female's hands going" and yet he appeared not to notice that her hands were next to his crotch two minutes later.

And the reason I'm posting here rather than Survivors forum is because switching and coping have become ever so much harder this week. Lots of alters are trying to deal with the crap that is coming out, and getting through the day has become a challenge. I am able to take care of my daughter, put frozen dinners in the microwave at night, wash clothes, and not much else. I had a martini one night this week, felt almost drunk, switched, felt not drunk at all, switched back. Felt very confused by this also. I know that it is "normal" to have different reactions to the alcohol depending on who is out, but I don't have much experience with drinking and switching after becoming more co-conscious.

I've been missing being mentally capable of being "here" at PC this week. Posting anything was really tough and I wasn't able to read a lot of posts either. I know that I'm still pretty new, but I feel like I'm getting to know some of you and I like all of you. This is the first place ever where I sometimes feel like I could "belong".

I'll close with saying thank you to everyone here just for being here and listening, especially when I'm not sure that what I've said makes sense.

Elizabeth