You are definitely not alone in your experience. The concept of domestic violence victims being hostages has been around for a long time, and I have personally worked with many victims whose perpetrators have literally squatted in their lives and made it almost impossible to leave them.

You might find the trailer and other resources on this site valuable:

http://www.privateviolence.com/

I would encourage you in your desire to seek a support group. Although I am not surprised that the place you contacted before had a feminist philosophy-- many domestic violence providers do-- in my practical experience knowing the counselors and clients involved in therapy, this isn't a focus of the group itself. It's an educational/advocacy perspective for an agency, but it isn't a way to provide therapy to people. I do not believe you would find that this would be an issue discussed in therapy.

However, being a part of any group involves issues of commonality as well as difference, and you have to be willing to tolerate topics that people will bring up that are not relevant to your life. I was a part of a CSA group for 7 years, and part of the group process is learning how to get something out of something you don't think you can get something out of. I had a very different life from my group members, and yet sometimes that was one of the most healing things about learning what she experienced and what she thought. And it was kind of cool to find that someone could feel how I felt despite the fact that she had a very different kind of experience. I also dropped out of a group before this one, so I'm fairly aware that some groups may not be right for you. I'd just suggest actually trying to participate and observing first hand what the group is about before rejecting it.

The physical reactions that you are having, I believe, are part of the PTSD symptoms that are physiologically-based. When trauma is originally experienced, the body is flooded with adrenaline and other internal responses too complicated for me to really get. If you want to do more reading about it, Walter Cannon's original book is great and so is this book by Babette Rothschild:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Remem...body+remembers

In my experience working with people, it is often these psychophysiological triggers that are the hardest to heal. You may be feeling these responses viscerally because the trigger (what reminds you of ex) is still linked to that original experience of trauma. Some people find that meditation/mindfulness exercises, which quiet the body's general reactivity, are helpful in breaking this link between trigger and body reaction.

I've never done EMDR in my own trauma work, but it seems from the professional literature that this (link between trigger and physiological reaction) is one of those things that EMDR does best at healing. I don't really believe in EMDR much myself except my current T (who doesn't do it) has reported that many of his clients have been majorly helped by it. It might be worth it for you to just get a consultation with a T who does EMDR and ask lots of tough questions about it before you reject it outright. Not trying to tell you what to do, just encouraging you to be a little more open to things.

I would also like to put you in touch with someone I know who works at a national organization, because I think she might be able to point you towards resources that I don't know about. I also think you would just get a lot out of talking with her. If this is something you're open to, please PM me.