*Trigger for mention of suicidal thoughts

I'm in the middle of a mixed episode without psychotic features. I feel like I'm facing the gates of hell. Went and saw my p-doc last week. Or maybe it was this week. Darn it, I have no sense of time right now. She gave me some benzos and ambien, doubled my mood stablizers and asked to see me in a week and a half. I think technically I was only hypomanic when I saw her, but was just starting to get a bit weepy and anxious. She prescribed the benzos because once I get anxious, I get off-the-charts anxious and can't calm down. But after taking them for four days or so, I decided not take them any more. I didn't feel like they were doing anything. My husband even said he didn't see any difference in me. Plus I don't want to develop a physical dependency on them. I told her I probably would end up not taking them, but she prescribed them anyway. Whatever. I'm normally extremely compliant with whatever she tells me to do, but that is one drug class I really don't want to take. Anyway. My thoughts are racing and I can't stop them. I can't sleep. So she gave me the maximum dose of ambien (which I've never taken before in my life) but it only knocks me out for about 3 or 4 hours. What the heck. She said she had some other drug she could give me to sleep, but I have to drive my daughters to school in the morning 40 miles away and pick them up in the afternoon and I'd rather not get in an accident, hurt someone and get a DUI. (yes, I do have the ability to think of worse-case scenarios, but she agreed she only wanted to prescribe drugs with short half-lifes of something like that? I don't know.) I do have a supportive husband; I am thankful for him. He worked from home yesterday because I was having pretty bad suicidal ideation. But he's going out of town for a week starting Sunday and we have no family in state. I know I won't act on any suicidal thoughts while he's gone though because we have beautiful kids and I would never do that to them.

I am so hesitant to call my p-doc before my apt in a week and a half. I don't know what her obligation is and I'm terrified she will try to admit me to a hospital against my will. I know technically they aren't supposed to be allowed to unless you are planning to harm yourself immediately or something like that, but I have heard horror stories of doctors getting 72 hours holds for situations outside the normal scope. Maybe it's me being paranoid right now. My husband does a wonderful job taking care of me. My p-doc doesn't know us really, and she can't possibly really know with certainty that he can keep me safe when he is here (he does take work from home when I am in a bad way) and she can't possibly believe that I won't act on suicidal ideation while he is away. I am overwhelmed and sad and just plain scared right now. This is my second mixed episode this year. I know I probably need a med adjustment but I don't want to risk her trying to hospitalizing me. There is literally NO ONE to watch our kids. That isn't an exaggeration. We have no family.

He absolutely can't cancel this trip for work. We are barely getting by and this is a must-go trip to keep his job. His job is what gives us the stability we do have. I know somebody is going to pipe up that it's more important he stay home, but believe me, him losing his job is just going to make me even more messed up in the head. I figure someone here probably won't get that, but it's how it is. I may not have it all together right now, but I know that is true.

Sigh. I don't expect anyone to have solutions for me. I could just use some really positive vibes right now. Please just be encouraging. I am just so sad. And so scared.