the last two days have been bizarre.

i guess as i adjust to Pristiq, i am feeling all sorts of different things. one, i am coming out of a fog but it's weird; i am still faced with all of the same problems i had before, i just can't ignore them anymore or i know i won't get better.

i feel like i am not making sense to anyone and a therapist and doctor both have told me i had a psychotic episode over the summer (from what i described) but it's like, i cannot accept that because then that means it could happen again and i can't handle that thought. it's paralyzing. how do these things happen out of nowhere?

i used to be self-confident. now i am filled with self-doubt. i don't know who i am anymore. how can being sure of yourself (your values, what's important, who you can trust) to being a lump of nothing? i feel like nobody likes or respects me anymore, and thinks i'm weird and pathetic. actually, i feel that way about myself and therefore everyone else must i guess. i cannot believe depression can warp one's mind this much. i guess i always thought depression was just "sad".

for the first time since...high school, i am afraid to be me. i don't know who "me" is anymore. i am 37. what happened?

thanks for just letting me vent. i'm scared of what's ahead and so far haven't really been able to get the help i need. it's tough though when i don't even know what help i do need is, since i've never had this deep depression before the summer when it began. i am seeing a therapist and just switched doctors but am just.so.pessimistic that i will be understood and truly helped.

my younger sister a couple of weeks ago said "what happened? you used to be so strong." man, that stung. i'm the older sister, and the person everyone always counted on to be there.