Some of you know that I applied to doctoral programs in clinical psychology this year, and that I had been rejected (very quickly) by one of those universities, but the others were very late responding. The rejection letters from the other two arrived on Friday and Saturday, and I had realized that was what it was going to be a long time ago, but I guess now it is starting to hit me.

Yes, I can apply again next year, and I need to apply to more programs to improve my chances, and I'll be a better candidate next year because I have gotten good grades this year, and a little more experience, and probably also people who may be better references. But will it ever be enough?

One of the people I asked to recommend me is my (former) T. He offered, and it didn't seem like that would be a problem, and since I had been out of school for 12 years and didn't really try to network with the psychology department back then anyway (it was my second major - I was going into speech pathology, but they turned me down), I really didn't have many options for references. But one of the schools uses a recomendation form and I didn't see the questions on it (such as "rate the applicant's emotional stability," etc.) until after selecting my references. When I saw that, I realized that there is no way that he could have rated me very well, considering that I had just barely been through another depressive episode and we had been talking about suicide and the possibility that I was actually bipolar. I was also suspicious because I had asked him to give me a copy of what he wrote, and he said that was fine, but he didn't and when I asked again he said oh, it was just a form he had to fill out.

Now apparently he and my husband have been talking about me again, and my husband asked if I was going to apply to that particular school again, and whether they keep old applications and might look back at them, and said that next time I probably should use different references because with questions about emotional stability, I really didn't come off very well.

Without his encouragement, I never would have tried to or thought I even had a chance at getting into graduate school. I was rejected before for speech pathology, and that was devastating, and I was worried about what it would do to me if I just got rejected again. He knew how worried I was about that and told me that I would get in. Later on he told me husband that I would get in somewhere, if I was persistent enough in continuing to apply, but where and when are questions nobody could answer.

I wish that people would talk to me instead of about me.

Other people tell me to keep my hopes up and keep trying, but I sense that once they know that I've had issues with depression, they are just being polite. They don't want me to think that they are discriminating against me on that basis, and everyone will find some other excuse (my academic record isn't perfect, or my experience isn't enough, or someone else was just more qualified). Professionals in this field are coming out with books in which they confess their own struggles, and even demonstrate how that has given them understanding of these problems and insight into how to help others. They are brilliant people whose contributions are significant and get due acknowlegement. But the difference between them and me is that their difficulties were not discovered or disclosed to others until after they had their degrees and were established in a career.

I'm able to do this. I have never let depression be an excuse, or asked for any special accomodations because of it. I do my work and get it in on time. Sometimes it might turn out better if I hadn't had to struggle as much that week when I had to do it, but I do get it in, and whatever I have accomplished represents what I am capable of even with or despite my limitations. If the limitations were removed, I could do even better, but my level of performance isn't too bad as it is. I was still an honor student back then, and I still pulled off straight A's for the whole year this year. But it will never be good enough, because twice as much is expected of me in order to prove myself, because sometimes it takes me twice the effort or more to do what would be more than good enough for anyone else, making 4 times the effort my true requirement. Do I have that in me?

If only I had known that I never would have been given a chance. I would have been better off not taking this road. All I have to show for it is student loan debt, and I didn't get far enough to qualify to be employable.

Sorry about the whine. Cheese, anyone? How about just some chocolate?


<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>