Thanks you guys! Really helpful. See, I know he's stressed. I completely understand. It's frustrating that I have to have all sorts of control over MY emotions but when I falter I get yelled at. He's like this a lot, this isn't the first time we've had this conversation. I wish he'd remember, but he never does and that's SOOOO frustrating. I gave him the example of when he yelled at me when I made the wrong turn and he didn't remember... that was less than a month ago. I'd go to my doc if I could. I lost my job and insurance with it. I stopped the meds cause we couldn't afford them, but I guess we'll just be broke cause I think I'm needing the Lamictal. At least, I'm hoping that's what it is and I hope it'll help cause I'm starting to not stand myself more than usual!!
We've gone to marriage counseling before, but he says they're quacks and just doesn't listen to them. I'm at the point where I just want to disappear, go away. He'll take the kids if I say I'm leaving or getting a divorce because of my mental issues, so I'd have to abandon my kids, which I can't do!
Although I'm not currently going through menopause, I'm not excited about the prospect. I have enough issues as it is, I don't need them to be magnified. I was shocked to be reminded of the fact that I will go through it and my husband saying I was a mess now. It's sad. Made me so angry and yet I had to bottle it all in front of people he knows.
This can't be as good as it gets! It just can't and I'm stuck in it. Feel completely helpless and stuck, neither of which is a good feeling. I wish he would hug me. He doesn't. And when I make him hug me, it's awkward and not very soothing. This is not why I married. I thought he would be there for me and he couldn't be more missing if he tried. I try so hard to be there for him and he's not there for me or understand what it's like to feel the way I do sometimes, without any reason or ability to simply "get over it" or "put on a happy face".... if I could, I would!! Yet, he hasn't packed a single box, just gives me a disapproving look when he gets home after work and I've gotten two boxes packed cause my 2-year old hasn't stopped all day!! It makes me so mad to be so weak right now and not have him to say "it's ok, we'll get through this together" instead of "what's wrong with you? can't you just snap out of it already?"
I want to disappear so MAYBE he'll see/feel what it's like to NOT have me. Even then, I don't think he'd care much!