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Does anyone else just feel it doesn’t matter what, something is not right with yourself. And whatever that is it never will be right in you. I am sure a lot of you do, but what I mean is this is something unfixable or more something about you that never was. I can’t stand the people that tell me this is just my confidence issues and in years to come things will work out. No they won’t it doesn’t matter, if someone could install all the confidence in the world magically over night there still would be no change in me as I would still be wrong in a sense. However, how do you live a life broken in a world that requires you to be fix when that is beyond yourself and not a possibility. I have tired countless time to delude myself with positive self talk and all the therapy you could throw at me but all it does is create more problems as I can’t ever preform in a sense in life just living as the next person sure I can pretend to a certain degree but then broken me still shows through and then it’s back to being in pieces, I wonder why I set myself up for that in the first place and why do I still keep going on when I should have discontinued myself years ago, but I can’t for some strange reason do that and that pains me deeply not being able to end my existence when I can’t live my life any longer. Strange thing is I am not unhappy the only thing that makes me unhappy is being in reality and realizing the horrible person I am by being around others and having to try and live around those people or try to live a life interacting with those people… I am talking about jobs here and trying to apply to places and interview or doing things to better my chances of finding work…. In the strange sense of maybe I can just hide away again behind the identity of a worker at some place. I think what really gets me is being exposed to people and their questions and their criticism…. I know what I am in life in their eyes and they are right to think that and I don’t disagree, which hurts me painfully to admit but more than often I get the feeling there is no place for me in life expect the one in the death pages and what hurts me more is the feeling that they would also openly agree with that and that I would be the one case where they would go well that’s what she deserved at least she is where she is meant to be and belongs. How the hell are you supposed to try and form a life for yourself from nothing when you have to face this every time again and again.
Just me getting it out the only way I can
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