Very very little will power. I ate some papaya in the morning (it is good for you right) and threw away the rest because I SO did not like it. So that was a little will power. But that is the extent of it.

I do not eat melon because I SO do not like it. But I love watermelon, which happens to be good for you. I eat watermelon and never touch a piece of melon or cantaloupe even though they are good for you. I did not drink green tea knowing full well that it is good for me and especially for my metabolism. I only started drinking it when I found a palatable brand. I still prefer black tea (which is what I grew up with, and that is very important), but sure I can have a couple cups of green a day. Until it tasted OK, I could not drink it. I positively hate quinoa and never eat it even though I know that is contains a powerhouse of nutrients and is a complete protein. But I find it utterly disgusting. Herbal teas such as valerian I find equally disgusting so herbal teas are out of the question (Valerian root did not help, so I am not losing anything by not drinking it). I do not like the taste of cannabis even though I know that cannabis is very good for me... so I take tasteless THC capsules and they work just fine. How things taste is very important to me, which is why I can only eat Gravenstein, Roma, and McIntosh apples - all rare varieties - and not the rest. This is not about willpower, but the idiosyncratic peculiarities of taste. Why Finnish crackers but not Swedish crackers? I do not know why, it is just so. Why watermelon but not melon? Likewise, it is just so.

So no, I am not using willpower, I just happen to be lucky: I like tea and dislike Coke, I like fermented dairy and dislike lard, I like leafy greens and fish and dislike salami and salty foods in general. I use very little sea salt in cooking and that is all - but I like it this way, I am not trying to limit my salt intake. My mother could not eat salt because of malfunctioning kidneys and she did not use salt at all, and I grew up with bland food, so I do not need salt as an adult. That is just my luck, without any willpower. My favorite fruit besides Gravenstein apples happens to be a mega-beneficial pomegranate, probably because my parents gave me a lot of pomegranates when I was growing up. It is not an acquired taste, I do not eat it for its antioxidants - I eat it because I love it. Love the texture, taste, color, smell... everything about it. If preparing a pomegranate weren't so laborious, I'd be eating one daily. Apples beat pomegranates as far as convenience goes.

I would never eat a standard American apple even though I realize that it, too, contains fiber. But virtues are not enough - if it is inedible to me, I do not eat no matter how beneficial it is. No willpower - I go by my taste (which is related to desire).

Biking is fun. Standing in public transit is boring. I do not like boredom. So I choose what is more fun. It also happens to be good exercise. But if it weren't fun, I doubt that I would have had daily self-discipline to commute by bike. Just think about it - on a bike, you are in control. On public transit, you are a mere passenger - someone else is doing the driving. What would you choose? Let us say, if biking weren't a good exercise but just provided the sense of control, the fun, the necessity to be alert, the challenge to cognitive functions (memorizing the route is a cognitive task), the sensation of wind blowing in your face - you would still choose it, wouldn't?

The reason that there is so much talk of walking and less of running is not just because running can cause injuries. People stay with walking programs better. The discontinuation rate is lower. The reason? They are just doing what they more or less like to do. Running requires more willpower. People in general are not good with consistently applying willpower over time. People differ: some can use more willpower, others less. But in general, people fail at using willpower a lot - that is why there are addictions when people cannot stop themselves. I can stop myself, but not because I am using willpower but because I do not WANT any more. I drink my one glass of wine and it is plenty for me - I call it a day. No willpower whatsoever. I am just very lucky in that way.

I have been standing at my desk all day long today except for biking and talking to the new T and, I must say, it is becoming second nature. But it is a case of applying willpower for a short period of time hoping that I will stop using willpower when standing becomes second nature. If I always had to use the same willpower that I used during my first week of standing, I doubt that I'd be able to pull off standing! Thanks god that it is becoming second nature to me! In public transit, it already became second nature: I am puzzled when I see people sitting. It is weird to me. I start picturing their poor constricted vertebrae and awkward blood circulation. I do not want to be in their shoes. So... no more need to will my way to standing!

Short term application of willpower is something I can live with.

I have had a limited number of lovers and am free of STDs not because I willed my way out of potential casual encounters but just because I was not particularly interested. It is not that I badly wanted to sleep around and prohibited myself from indulging those desires. I just did not have the desires. There are a couple of cases where I regret not having an encounter with a man, but just a couple - really, not many. And in those cases that I do regret, what stopped me was an inflated sense of loyalty to another man, or an inflated sense of duty to my beloved's wife, which, in essence, is willpower and I REGRET applying that willpower. In hindsight, I should have gone with my desire and not the willpower. I will never use willpower again. In the future, if I want to sleep with a man who is married, it will be entirely his choice as to what to do. I would not apply willpower because of feelings of duty to someone's wife just because I know her well etc. It will be his decision and I will be upfront about my desires BECAUSE I WILL VALUE THEM.

In terms of chemicals, Venus, yes, indeed, we differ drastically. I am so happy that I do not want to spend and I reap the benefits of not spending because I now have credit in order to pay my lawyer. Sure, you can put limits on the credit cards and do other tricks, but who needs that? So Lithium fixes some chemistry in my brain removing the desire to spend - great job Lithium! Why would I want to choose a long life of putting limits on credit cards? The desire to spend is not normal, in my view, so it should be treated. If you cannot treat it safely, then you put limits on credit cards and work your way around bad impulses because that is your only option. Since I can treat it safely, that is what I choose to do. This choice gives me the freedom to do other things that are more interesting to me, because I am not preoccupied with how to prevent damage from my next shopping spree.

So what I need from Topamax is limiting (not removing, but limiting) the appetite the same way Lithium removes the desire to spend, without bad side effects. Plus, boost the metabolism. Plus, prevent migraines (it is very effective at that). Minus, cognitive side effects (but that is simply a matter of luck and I won't know until I try). Right now, I am still in the office and I will only eat a yogurt at home, so whatever magic has been happening is still at work and this way I will definitely not suffer cognitive side effects. In fact, today I memorized two full pages of riding directions after one one hour long ride - that is pretty good memory.

Calorie tracking I won't do - I did a couple of years of calorie tracking and got very tired of it. I try to be more hedonistic and experiential and less cognitive about food and tracking is very very cognitive. But since I tracked for so long, I pretty much memorized the caloric content of common foods, so in essence I can track in my head without software.