I'm really worried I'm developing heart disease and diabetes, yet I continue to eat the same (actually, it's been worse in the past few months) and live a sedentary lifestyle. I've always worried, but it's worse now because I'm seeing signs. I have an area of my left thigh that sort of tingles (and once hurt for a few seconds) every now and then, especially if I lay on my stomach. Also, when I'm in the bathroom and turn to wipe (sorry for the imagery), it sometimes feels like something pulls apart in that area...doesn't hurt, just feels weird. I'm worried it could be deep vein thrombosis, although I don't notice any swelling or anything.

The second sign is these white spots on my eyes. I've been meaning to bring them up with my doctor (I have an appointment not tomorrow, but next Friday), but I happened upon an article today that mentioned Xanthelasmata as a sign of heart disease. It mentioned these are white spots on the upper and/or lower eyelids, so I Googled for images and some of them look like what I have. They can be caused by high cholesterol, and I know I have that.

I always intend to make changes, but in the last several years, I've gotten to the point where I'm not optimistic about my future (despite starting college this fall--that's some weird logic), and I just don't want to do the work it takes to make a difference. But what if it's too late? What if I'm destined to have a heart attack or something awful like that? I keep saying, after I eat up the sugary snacks I have left, I'm not going to have any more, except on rare occasion after I get it under control. I am not buying any more, but I hope it's not too late. I'm a fool.

I know I don't want to end up like my mom, who has all kinds of health problems, including heart and kidney problems. I've never smoked, which is the one good thing I can say about my habits. Both my parents smoked and they both paid for it. But my parents gave me too much sugar and soda as a kid, and so I became addicted. I'm not blaming my parents for the changes I didn't make when I was old enough, but I do blame them for starting me down this path. It's up to me to change it, if there's still time. I just feel so crappy.