I got interrupted while writing my last post. I actually started this thread because I "do" suffer from PTSD. And I was triggered alot while "observing" this campaign. I decided to just open up and talk about the "hows" and "whys" of my triggers. I wanted to do that in a safer way, away from the "current events forum" where I could be "debated" or even "ignored" for really just struggling. And I did notice that I stood alone amongst Obama supporters, which also triggered me.

I have had a lot of very real and "distrubing" challenges in my life. I really thought I just got past or through these challenges, and they really do go all the way back. I never in my wildest dreams imagined this awful and crippling PTSD. I thought after things began to calm down, the constant addressing of losses from such a negligent person, I would find my way to "rise up again" I had done it so many times all my life, but this time it just didn't come. Depression came instead and continued to grow, and I kept thinking, well, PTSD must mean "deep grief" and to just be patient. I had no idea how bad it was going to get.

Misunderstood?, wow, I was going to experience that more than any other time in my whole life. I just felt a million miles away from being "understood" and unfortunately, my family was so ignorant and misinformed, they all were so angry and down right mean to me for something I just could not help. Oh, no one should have to go through that, I am so angry about that now that I understand PTSD so much more than I did. OMG, it is the loneliest thing to go through, so very hard, and I was really bad and really wanted to give up on life. And from where I am now, it doesn't have to be that way, it could have been a lot easier with the right help and support. It was so hard for me to finally "find that". That is a really big reason why I spend a lot of time here, a very big part of me doesn't want anyone else to be alone like I was.

I am at a point now where I am doing much better, I still struggle, but also see how I am gaining too. The fact that I can even make an attempt to "follow" this campaign, well, I was pretty proud of that. I was strong enough to realize that "while I was often triggered", I could use that as an opportunity to, see why, and work through it.
Well, that is where the gain finally comes with PTSD, always in the "after".

What has also been interesting, is that while I was triggered, many of my reactions were not just the PTSD, but also felt by half the nation too. For someone with PTSD, that is very important because it is a step to "not being a million miles away from others" which is how PTSD feels.

Well, Rose, you know first hand that I do reach out and stand beside you and have encouraged you to just "be you" and "be ok with you". I have seen you make some gains too, and I have kept up in supporting that in you, because I feel you so deserve it.

But I also listen to others, others who have different opinions and somehow hide out and stay silent, "I must be odd somehow" they think and so they don't "speak their minds". My message to them has also been, " That is "your opinion" so speak up and I personally like to hear what you say, your not so "out there". Oh and when I see that person speak up, it picks me up so. And I am always going to be that way, I am now forever changed and do my best to "respect" and encourage others.

Ideally, what I would have liked to have seen was, " Yes, that was not something that should not have been said" by that candidate. And I did finally hear that on the news and also "finally" read the honest mood of our country this morning and how "devided" it really is right now.

So, I did a lot of soul searching during this whole "dog and pony show", and many of the things I felt that were just too "low and childish" were also felt by others. So as I mentioned, it was nice to not just think I am the one that is still just a million miles away in how I feel about this election.

PTSD, is very "absorbing" and it pulls the person deep into whatever is there in their "subconscious mind".
When I met with my therapist this week, I looked at his neat book shelf and I talked about imagining that book shelf and a cabinet full of books just shoved and in disarray so that opening the door would just allow all the books to tumble out, that is PTSD. And, for the person who has that happen, it really takes time to sort through the many books (messages) that represent the confusion in their subconscious mind, and slowly, and perhaps even for the first time, finally place these books back on the shelf with a sense of order.

When I think about my own journey with it and how I was last year when I joined PC, wow. I sat at this computer and I spent a lot of time here a PC. All I knew is that it helped. But if other members could have seen me, I was so riddled with anxiety and so many thoughts and fears all at once, just to sit here and type one thought at time, to find some books of reason within myself as I reached out somehow so motivated to helping others and just expressing my thoughts. I remember how long my posts were, and a member that pointed out how my posts were like reading a speeding train. Yes, that was me, my brain was a speeding train, trying so very hard.

I see my little beauflow doing something very similar, so many struggles, so many books of memories written out. And I know what she is trying to do, and I really know she needs to see something there that says, yes, beauflow, I see it too, its ok, sort through it and be determined to "grow" past it and I know it is so hard. And I can also see what a really "nice' young lady she is, and I honestly want to just somehow reach in to PC and give her a real hug. And I also know that at some point, with the right support, she will begin to find "more balance" in her mind. At some point she will begin to truely see that pile of books slowly taking order, finally, on that shelf again.

I saw the young student (talked about earlier here) I had for the first time in a couple of years, she is going to Buffalo with my daughter and my daughter's horse for the next four days to watch her train with George Morris. OMG, she is so rail thin and pale and clearly lost, not that young girl that had spent so much time being mentored here and was gaining, but now so very lost. I can see why my daughter has been so upset, can't even go near her mother because she just wants to yell at her for not paying attention to her child who is clearly lost and suffering. Oh, I wish I had more money to help her because she is smart and very talented, also very petite and pretty. She has tried to take her own life twice now, she really needs therapy and to be "away" from her negetive parents. My daughter is thinking about taking her in when she gets her new house, and as I mentioned, bring my beautiful mustang to where my daughter keeps her horse for her to ride and to help her get her life together. I just don't know if that will be enough, wish she could have therapy too. Oh, she really looks awful.

Well, I know this is a long post. Well, that is me and PTSD, still a tangle. It is'nt just this election that challenges me. I still have the wacky old lawyer, the lawsuit, mom's alzheimers is getting worse, dad is showing signs of demencia, sister has shingles and tumors on her thyroid, sigh, I can't look in a single direction that isn't a mess, plus a hurricane and now a snow storm. So bear with me, anyone who reads this, I am just a middle aged woman who is still sorting through a pile of books and I have not got them all on that shelf yet. But I am doing much better than last year, so for anyone being challenged with PTSD, my constant message, keep self caring and working at it, it will "slowly" get better, please, don't be alone, reach out, keep trying.

Open Eyes