i guess i need to practice my dbt skills now instead of sitting here wallowing in my own self hatred. I just cant seem to do anything. I am siting here on the couch just crying and have been for over an hour. OK, crying and typing.

I was at my limit of handling problems and life threw two more at me, not huge ones, but not tiny problems either. So, now I am overwhelmed with it all and feeling like it doesn't matter what I do or what I want because my life is f'ked up no matter what.

That is an accurate statment to some exent. my life is f'ked up b/c of BPD and other illnesses. and because of my own mismanagment. I really jusy want to give up right now. I am not being skillful at all. I need to stop crying and figure out which skill I want to use from my DBT toolbox so I can get through this.

I have a therapy appt tomorrow, as it happens, so that should help, if I do not get myself together before then.

I am posting all of this emotional vomit here because I need to get it out of my system. I feel like I will explode with hopelessness if I don't just get it out.

I can also go get my meds tomorrow, when I go to therapy, providing my ride shows up tomorrow.

I am sssooo tired of hurting. Have had a headache for three days now. Back has been hurting for about two weeks and my "normal" fibro pain has gotten a little worse because of the cold weather setting in. So, physically I am not great either.

Just so tired of coping. I feel like I have no more energy to put into the fight.

Feel guilty about feeling self pity as so many people have things much worse, like those who lost everything due to Sandy and who are living on the streets in the bitter cold. They do not have the option of sitting on their couch crying about their woes, like I do. They no longer have a couch or a even a house. I guess I could feel grateful that I have not been effected by Sandy.

I have a roof over my head and I have heat and running water and internet access and electricity and toilet paper and a few people on he planet who love me. I have a God who loves me. I have dogs who love me and who try to comfort me.

I have a really good therapist, for the first time in my life and a tolerant pdoc. I have resources here at PC and other online help available. I am safe, at least for now. I may be sturggling with poverty and illness and life, but I do have things to be grateful for. Now if I just could manage to feel gratitude.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I think that if humans in general and me in particular would take time to feel grateful for what we have, many of our pain causing problems would seem much smaller, thus minimizing our pain. I wish I could practice that. Maybe I will get there one day.

I HATE me. I HATE that I cause so many problems for myself and I HATE that I cannot get my life in order enough so that other problems are not just dumped on me. I HATE that I feel victimized so much of the time. I HATE that I allow me to be victimized. I HATE who I am and I HATE that I feel powerless to become somone else.

Thankfully, I am older now. The worst has already happened. I am genuinely grateful that the worst is over. I am genuinely grateful that more than half my life is over. I am grateful that I only have to endure for a little while longer. Odds are good that I will die earlier than most because of my health issues. Even if I live an "average" life span, most of my life is over. Thank God for that.

I am concerned abou the after life, but I know that God is merciful and I know in whom I have believed, so I should finally be OK when I die. I am concerned that all of my issues with anger at God will interfere with my salvation. But it is what it is. I can only trust that God understands.

Anyone need a bucket of sand to clean up the emo vomit?

Feel guilty for posting here , but I am doing what I need to do. If you bothered to read this far, you deserve a medal... and a therapy session. This is all just blathering and none of you need to hear any of this. I am sorry for posting this, yet even as I regret it, I NEEd someone to know how much agony I am in.

Tears just conintue to flow for me. For pitiful pain-filled me. i am so f'king useless. Why did God bother to create me? The only reason I can think of is to give birth to my children. They now have children too and all those people would not be here if I had no been born.

Most of them are grateful to eb alive, although I cannot say for sure they are happy. Several of them are highly functioning people, despite who their parents were. You see, God really is merciful. He does answer prayer. Divine intervention is the only way that my children could have made it into being productive adulthood and relatively good parenting themselves. I am so proud of them and I know that at least on of them also suffers from BPD, the rest of them seem to be OK.

Tired of being in pain. tired of fighting. tired tired tired tired tired tired

I need to get off this ride!

God PLEASE take me out soon. protect my children and grandchildren from evila ndharm and let me go in peace. PLEASE.

that is one prayer i have prayed for decades and He has not answered. He probably wont answer it this time either. I do trust His wisdom. I am jsut so tired.

and I hurt so much.