No the situation did not involve using hypnotic techniques. if that session had included our using the relaxation visualizations the table would not have gotten thrown because I would not have been totally dissociated. I would have been co conscious and able to follow SKR as she guided me past the situation before it got to that point. SKR and I hadn't had the chance to use relaxation visualizations during our therapy time. it was in the groundwork process of my using it at home and had told SKR what I was doing and what I wanted to use it for shortly before the government welfare reform bills cut alot of services out which resulted in the therapy agency laying off any of their therapists that havent worked for the agencyfor 5 years and beyond. SKR had worked with the agency I think 4 years so she got the ax as did another therapist there that was a favorite of mine because I had attended her depression management class and had a great time and learned alot.

though SKR and I continued after the layoffs we ended up dropping therapy time together and remaining friends because the DHS caseworker at that time was putting her through hell of bogus charges to the ethics board to interfere with our time and work together. so we never got the chance to actively use the relaxation visualizations together. what we did do what work on my remaining aware while the flashbacks and memories replayed - this is working on co consciousness and integration. though we didn't call it that at the time because I hated those words.

Basically what I know of the table throwing situation is that I had gone to see SKR at the therapy agency. I was upset because my child had just been removed for the second time after the DHS case worker had repeatedly told me my child could remain at home while waiting for an opening to a residential treatment facility. I didn't find out until a year after seeing LL that the caseworker had gone to court and declaired me a flight risk because she knew I would fight putting my child into the residential treatment center I wanted to work on options that would allow him to remain at home.

Anyway the caseworker one day came to pick up his meds and to inform me that my child would not be coming home on the school bus.

Then a month or two after my child was back in foster care SKR and I were in a session and we started to talk about my son and the situation. Like we always did we just went with the flow from topic to topic and I have no idea what the topic was just that the session included talking about my son because SKR started sounding far away and the room felt closed in

Her window was open so I went to the window and looked at the tree next to the window, and the next thing I know Im sitting down, markers and crayons scattered on the floor and a pad of paper on the floor and a 3 foot by 5 foot table was upside down on the floor. SKR was not in the room.

The next thing I know SKR is sitting across from me and asked what my name was. I told her my name and she told me I had thrown the table at her and asked if I remembered doing that. I told her no and the next thing I know she was on the phone and then asked me my name. and I told her then she asked me what I remember of the session.

I told her about the room feeling closed in and going to look at the tree and then I was sitting and she was gone then she was in front of me and now she just got off the phone.

She said she could fill in some but not all of it because it wasn't the right time for me to know everything that day.

She said I switched into a few different alters. in one I was very angry and another I wouldnt talk so she asked if I would draw and I nodded so she set up a table and markers and crayonns and paper. She showed me the drawing which was a black scribbles and said after she asked me some questions and somewhere while answering her I switched into the angry one and grabbed the table and threw it.

When I became aware and she wasn't in the room it was because She left the room to call the supervisor because violence during therapy sessions requires a supervisor to decide if the client needs to be hospitalized or charged with assault..

I asked her what E decided and she said that E said that "She can and will control it. People with DID can and do have the ability to control their violent behaviors"
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I later found out SKR had confirmed this by contacting a DID specialist that told her that DID's have an amazing ability to relax themselves when encountering triggers.. they relax themselves so much that they mentally experience their daydreams and then the body goes on autopilot of acting out the memories.

Since DID's have the ability to use their relaxation skills to do this they also use these same skills to calm themselves and prevent their violent actions, and to pull themselves out of the tunnel of beginning to dissociate preventing a switch. .If they have this ability to prevent talking about situations and or the ability to prevent the switching by keeping their emotions under lock and key they have the ability to NOT act out violently. DID is a protection measure so that the person can physically continue functioning while not experiencing mentally the abuse so in a majority of DID cases there are rarely violent episodes due to that would call attention to the person. A person dissociates to get out of situations not to engage in more situations let alone one that would call attention to them. Where there is violence it is because the person fought back during an attack or during an attack was forced abusively to partake in committing violent acts. and in those cases the triggers can be deactivated if the trigger is known. if not the person using their abilities to pay attention to how they are feeling and using the same techniques they use to prevent themselves from switching and or talking about things can and are able to prevent the violence from happening during therapy sessions.

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Anyway The next appointment with SKR we talked about the situaton - E and professionals that work with DID's have told her that I can and will control the violence. if it happened again SKR and I could not work together.

Then for that and the next few sessions SKR kept trying to get me mad. I kept avoiding the topics, changed the subject, brought in things so we would not get on to hard topics and so on.

Finally one day she would not be distracted. She kept pushing me on a subject I was not wanting to discuss. I countered her every time. Finally she got mad and told me to knock it off. If we didn't get past this fear and that table situation we would be no good together as a therapy team. Whether of not her or I liked it she had to make me get mad. She needed to talk to me while I was in that angry alter to make sure that the situation did not happen again. She said I was doing great at controling myself but there was one more thing that she needed to do as a precaution and that was to get me over this by making me angry enough to switch into that angry alter and talk to me while I was that angry alter. She knew I was afraid of throwing something and hurting her and possibly ending up in the hospital but I had to relax and stop worring about her and let her do her job of getting us over this situation. If I couldn't do that then it was time to hand in the file for reassignment to a new therapist. becase with out getting past this we were not going to be a good therapy team what kind of therapy is a client avoiding being mad and a therapist avoiding making the client do the work - not good. it was time we got back to work and the first step was that she had to make me mad and talk to me wile I was dissociated.

So I gave up fighting and followed where ever she pushed me and ended up dissociating and the next thing I know we had run over the time and she was asking me my name and what she was wearing and then telling me that she talked with me in more than one altered state and in each frame of mind I gave her very strong promises that I would not throw a table at her again. She also got me in to that angry alter and was now confident that when ever I was reacting as that alter no tables will get thrown again.

She told me that even though we did this she wanted me to continue using my skills to pay attention to how I was feeling and letting her know when I start floating off and staying where I could here and see her.

I din't identify the trigger. I still to this day don't remember much from that day. SKR knows the trigger and told me not to worry about it. when it was the right time for me to know everything that happened when I was dissociated I will know it. that day wasn't the right time for me to knoe. Even now I don't ask SKR what that trigger was. We are just sticking to the fact that there was some sort of connection between the past and the conversations that day one of which was my child, and the DHS case. and SKR and I leave it at that. Like SKR said when its time for me to know I will know. and until then I have to use my skills to prevent a reoccurance of the table throwing situation. I know that SKR made me mad and talked to me while dissociated like the professionals told her to to deactivate the trigger. But the bottom line is I am the one that is diagnosed with dID its my responsibilty to do my part too. I don't throw tables and endanger my friends at home there is no reason that I should do that during therapy. if I have the control at home then I have the same amount of control if not more during therapy because LL and I activly use my paying attention to my feelings, relaxation and so on so that when I am upset or PO'ed at LL I tell her either to her face or by writing to her not by throwing tables at her.

How did I gain contorl of the situations. by learning about what dissociation and DID is in the professional sense because it was a professional that diagnosed me. SKR and I took what we were learning together and on our own and came up with a plan specifically geared for me. When the professionals told us to stimulate my 5 senses so that I would start learning to pay attention to them we did it by my taking bubble baths with scented bubbles. During sessions SKR was asking me questions like how does your foot feel today? Is it too hot in this room today. Some days I would walk in the room and not be able to miss the smell of something new be it she brought chocolate in or put hand lotion on or had new flowers in the room. We rode around in her car having sessions on the go and she would point out interesting buildings or take me down a new road I have never been on, at home I had to constantly remind myself - how does this chair I am sitting on feel? what is the texture of this blanket. Even when I cooked I turned it into therapy work buy using my hands instead of an electrical mixer so that I could compare different feelings of textures and smells and sounds and so on.

During therapy SKR and I took things to a new level of my letting her know when I got that floaty far away feeling and gosh that woman could come up with so many different ways to hold my attention a bright barret in her hair, make a face, tell a joke, one time I forget what we were talking about because when I started floating off she said something real off the wall even for her so much so that even now all I can remember is it was something about boogers, leather and my past lawyer the result was my focusing on seeing her and her suddenly coming into my view and my saying "What?! Thgats disgusting!" and she laughed and said "it got you back here out of the tunnel didn't it?" Then she would go back to talking about the topic that had made me float off ...What were you feeling when...? , why did this topic make you feel...?, Some days we had easy days and other days she would spring on my a hard topic. I never knew when she was going to do this. If I knew what she was going to do or want to talk about I could block it and shut her down before she even realized it was happening. So she became very good at being spontanious.

I could have run and hide and in past years I did run and hide in therapy so much so I stayed away from therapy for 6-7 years. Why didn't I run and hide this time? I had a child to get home and only a year to do it in. The only way my child would get returned to me was if I took care of my problems. My being suicidal, depressed and dissociating pell mell wns not just affecdting my life but my childs too. He saw his mother do things that no child on this earth should have to see.. a child should not have to see their mother cut themselves, a child should not have to see their mother throwing books and ripping books up in anger, A child should not have to see and experience their mother locking them out of the house so they don't see their mother jump through a second floor picture window because she wants to kill herself from lack of sleep and flashbacks and not remembering what they do all day and night. Luckily I taught my child that if he ever felt unsafe in ANY situation he was to go and tell someone he trusted. My child found the manager and told her he was "scare cause mommy was going to kill herself" and when the police were called my child and I stood our ground with the police letting them know we needed help - not tomorrow or next week when someone would call to check on us but then that day. Then knowing I had only a year my child and I worked like hell with our therapists not glossing over or hiding but flat out meeting each question and challenge head on. and one year later my child and I were in the coming home process of bringing him home. and he came home.

I flat out had no choice this time if I wanted my child I had to do whatever I had to do. I had hurt my child and and me by hiding I had DID and not learning about what it was and how to take care of it. I didn't have the luxury of hiding and so on.

The idea of being safe with my therapist had no part in it. I was assigned to SKR and like her or not she was it. Just like I was assigned to LL and like it or not she was it.

My DID works on triggers. I dissociate the same amount and wiith the same triggers with my best friend as I do when attending a court hearing. My dissociating is in EVERY part of my life not just in the therapy room based on therapy topic and whether of not I feel safe with my therapist. I dissociate when sitting here in my home alone or with a friend just as much as I dissociate out in public at the local grocery store. I went to visit a relative in another state who I love deeply and feel safe with and I came home with a complete new wardrobe in my suitcase that I have no idea where the clothing came from - my relative? the stores? I have no idea.

so how did I incorporate a control mechanism.. I didn't it was already there Its called working my therapy program - pay attention to how I am feeling at all times with all of my senses and emotions. A child from the day they are born are taught to rely on their senses and emotions - they feel hungry, too cold too hot they cry, when encountering animals a picture grass flowers what do parents say - see the pretty flower, the kitty fees soft huh. be gentle its a baby ktty. how does a person know what foods they like and don't like? what clothing they should or want or like to wear? How do children in abuse situations learn to hide and be quiet so they don't get hit again? By paying attention to their emotions and 5 senses. All that stuff is already there. I didn't have to put it there. All I had to do was follow my therapy program. Whether or not I liked my therapist or felt safe with my therapist wasn't an issue. That was the therapist I was given and I had to do the work if I wanted my baby home with me. Therapy for DID is paying attention to the five senses and emotions so I did it.

Losing track? I lose track at home so I already knew I was going to lose track with SKR. Nothing new there. I was seeing SKR 6 months when she asked if I lose track of time and if I do things I don't remember. DHS and the law was on my butt I could not run and hide and I couldn't drop SKR so I continued to be 100% honest with her by telling her I was diagnosed with this that and MPD and the other thing.

From then on it wasn't incorporating a control mechanism. It was just my paying attention to my five senses and how I was feeling every waking second of the day and using grounding techniques with and without SKR that enabled me to tap into the control that was already there and was being used instead as a way to dissociate. Instead of using these skills I already had to run away from my problems I use then to take care of my problems by meeting each problem head on.

this "control" didn't come totally after the table throwing situation. infact the table situation hadn't happened until SKR and I had been activily working on my DID for almost three years. It was just the table throwing situation that accented that I must 24/7 no matter where I am and who i am with and what I am doing I must now always use my skills for taking care of my problems not running from them.

and You're welcome (((((((((Sculley)))))))) glad my blog has helped you.

hang in there.