I don't know if I've made a post like this before. But considering I've been thinking about this for years, I have to ask. Maybe it's not something you all can answer, or maybe I'm not even looking for answers - just to vent. Either way I'd like to seek opinions, maybe some advice on my thoughts. I just want to make this as raw as possible, but for me, that's probably still pretty guarded.

Long story short, even today, I remain angry with my father. I feel guilty about seemingly 'hating' him so much, because he can be (or is) a good man, but still. I don't think about him without thinking about all the ways I could tell him how much he's hurt me, hurt my family, and ultimately broken my spirit and trust of men and people in general. I can put it very easily, in terms that many of you understand: My father had anger. No, rage. Violent rage. When I was a young kid I was playing outside with my Dad, a sibling, and a neighborhood friend. Something happened, I'm not sure what, but my guess was always that either I said a swear word or got snippy with my Dad. In short, he ended up literally chasing me around the outside of house. He's running after me, I'm running for my life, crying and screaming, and he's got that 'look' in his eyes. That look always terrified me. Eventually he caught me. I was screaming, crying, begging him to let me go (I don't remember the begging, but my Mom later told me I was) and I remember on the way inside I saw my Mom standing there looking helpless. I do remember screaming for her to help me. I wonder now what that must have looked like to her - her young 7 year old daughter swung over her husbands shoulder, pleading for her Mommy to help her. My Mom later said there was nothing she could do, nor was there anything my Grandparents (who we lived with at the time) could do either - my Dads rage was too out of control, and whoever got in his way would certainly be trampled. My Dad took me upstairs, threw me over his knee, and proceeded to 'spank' meon my bed. My Mom says after, he also grabbed my shoulders and, in her words, not exactly 'shook' me but 'rattled' me, screaming at me face to face.

A week later, my parents had split, and he was gone. But we had visitation with him, as long as it was supervised by my Moms uncle. Eventually though, he was back. It was funny because even today, I have to force myself to hug my Dad (don't feel comfortable doing it) or tell him I love him, things like that. Even though I do love him. But I remember the first time I didn't feel comfortable with his touch, and that was the first Christmas he came back. He put his hand on my shoulder and my sisters shoulder as my Mom snapped the picture. All I remember thinking was "I want him away from me..." I didn't want my own father to touch me. Now I kinda think that it's related to what had happened before. But I also am not sure, considering I'm sure I had hugged him and things like that during visitation. Anyway - not so much the point.

When they divorced my Mom took us kids to some (maybe 2 visits or so) of counselling, and my Dad was forced to go to. I don't think it helped because after we all moved back in, he would be back to his antics.

Here's where I'm confused about feeling so angry toward him. My Dad is a good guy, he has a genuine heart and I know he loves us. He works hard and has always provided for our family. He will help those in need, and generally isn't anything close to what people would describe as a horrible man. But when he gets mad, angry, or frustrated at ANYTHING - it's always is and always was taken out on us. His thing was to pinch the back of our arms when we were in trouble for something. It hurt like %#@&#! hell. One time my sister called him out on something he was truly doing - acting like an %#@&#!. She was 17 or 18 when she said this, and he marched over to her bed and wailed her *** hard. Now, this might seem okay considering she called him an %#@&#! but it wasn't because he WAS acting like an %#@&#!. And he was being out of control.

My Dad likes to throw things around the house, make things uncomfortable for anyone when he's not feeling great, verbally let us or my Mom know how utterly stupid we are when something isn't done right - and not by calling us stupid, either. It's more like "What kind of idiotic person would DO this kind of thing? Who wouldn't use normal common sense and logic? How stupid does someone have to be to do [this or that]!?" He's thrown the dishes, made all of us cry our eyes out without a hint of remorse, broke many objects in our home, and very passively degrades what my sisters and I have accomplished in our lives. No matter what it is, HE could do it. No matter what we've done, why not do more? No matter how hard we work, it's never as hard as HE has had to work. One morning I didn't get up for chores on time (I was a young teenager, mind you, and getting up at 8am on a Saturday morning wasnt exactly easy for me or my idea of fun) and when I didn't get up in his timely manner, he threw a bucket of freezing cold water all over me. Not just me though, considering I was in my room on my bed. Me, my bed, my mattress, my sheets were soaked, the carpet, my things beside my bed, the wall...everything.

When my Dad gets mad everyone tries to get out of his way. I find now that when any man raises his voice to me, in any way, I completely lose control. I cry and sob and this has recently caused me MUCH embarrasment at a job of mine.

I'm being as honest as I can with all the things I've listed here. I need to know that me being angry at my Dad is warranted, that he actually was cruel to us, and while I know he didnt physically beat us the threat of being hurt everytime he got angry was always there with me and continues to scare me. The things I've heard him say to my Mom and family kill me. He's beaten my Mom so hard with words that he's broken her into tears on many occasions with 10, 20, 30, 40 minute rants about what an idiot she was for doing whatever it was she did when really she didn't know she was doing anything wrong.

I know this is long, I know most people didn't read this far so if you did then thank you. But please let me know. I battle with this almost daily. He's my father, he provided for me and loved me and put a roof over my head and food on my table...but I can't stand him. I feel guilty everytime I think mean things about him. I don't know where I should stand. Are these things considered abuse? I feel violated everytime I think about them. What a mean person he was to us, but we were never beaten daily or made to do horrible things. I know he loves us. But why would he treat us in a way he would never allow anyone else to treat us?? I just don't understand it.

Thanks.