Just a rant before I try to sleep...

Rewind months ago, and I met this one person out of nowhere online through a game/"virtual world" of sorts kinda like IMVU. Whatever. We talked a bit, went on our way, but something kept us coming back. We ended up becoming best of friends, and closer than ever. We were like sisters. We told each other everything, were there for one another. When she went to the hospital for sepsis, I was there to text her and talk with her and keep her company as best I could from miles away. She's in NJ, I'm in FL. We did everything we could together, even did laundry over skype together and laughed about who could get done faster. We were tight friends.

I knew she had been having some trouble with an ex online, and we were talking about it. She knew I was there for her, just like she had been there for me when I hit a bout of depression. But all of a sudden she just...stopped coming online. She seemed to have deleted me and my bf off of facebook, blocked us, and hadn't logged into skype at all, nor said game. I tried to text her, but for days no reply. I tried to call her, and I got a standard message about the phone number not being in service anymore. I talked with her friends, all who had no clue what was going on. I felt terrible inside. Abandoned and betrayed, above all. First I was worried, but then the rest came.

A week or two went by, and I talked with my T about how I still could not get over how upset I was over it. We came up with a few ideas and I worked through them, and finally started to feel "okay". Not happy, obviously, but not desperate and downright depressed. Then hurricane sandy hit, and I paniced because she lived in NJ and I had no clue how to get in touch with her and see if she was alright from the storm. Some how, I still cared. I still wanted her to be alright. But my heart was already broken, and my feelings hurt. It took everything I had to trust her with my heart and it felt like she just threw it away like it never mattered.

Here I am, FINALLY starting to "move on" and find other ways to occupy my time per my T's suggestion. And just now, as I'm about to go to bed, I get an IM from one of her friends saying they just talked to her on the phone.

WTF? I couldn't get through her phone, how were they able to? And why did she call them instead of leaving me a message anywhere? Now I don't know what to feel. She told that friend that she was temp banned from the game, and took a break offline for a while. But that doesnt' explain why she blocked me on facebook, deleted me, and never replied to any of my messages before that...

I'm confused to all hell now, I don't want to bug my T because I want to be a big girl and solve this myself. But I feel so confused and so lost. Depressed, abandoned, hurt. Hopeful? Scared. Confused. I don't know if I'll be able to believe her reasoning if I even find any out. I have no reason TO believe her, but no reason NOT to believe her. If that makes sense?

I just don't know what to feel anymore! Friendships are very hard for me to make in general. I'm having to put specific boundaries up to even TRY to make friends again. I have to walk on eggshells so to speak. I've never felt more comfortable with someone other than my partner and the few RL friends I have, than I did with her. I felt like we could talk about anything- and we did! Even things that are "TMI" to other people, we sat and laughed about. We had deep conversations. Funny meaningless conversations. Etc. Someone who "got" me. Ugh. I need to sleep.

-goes under covers and sighs in confusion-