"if you dont mind me asking, how old are you Ohlostme?"

56.

Thanks, folks. It's nice to know so many of you care.

I wish I could get a kick out of looking at sunsets or drinking a cup of coffee, but I feel dead inside. Numb (except for the pain), The little things just aren't enough right now. Nice sunsets aren't much compensation when you're full of hurt and feeling lost, scared (about the future) and like a failure. Yes, I'd feel WONDERFUL if I could walk through Autumn leaves or make a snowman -- I LOVE Autumn and Winter -- but I'm stuck in Southern California, where such things don't exist. That's part of why I'm so depressed...I want to go back east and live where the seasons change again. But out-of-state moves cost money and I never seem to be able to get ahead, financially. Even if I did get a lump sum of money and was able to move, I still wouldn't know what to do with myself once I got there. I've been struggling with this for a long time.

I moved back east ten years ago - for the weather and the scenery - and was shocked to find that the weather and the scenery weren't enough. It was beautiful, and exactly what I went there for. But I was totally isolated, no friends, no family, no job (I had money for a while so I didn't need to work). I felt so empty - no one to share the beauty with. I ate a lot (food is my drug of choice) and gained weight.

I've been looking for my purpose in life for SOOOOOOO long. Hence the name...