hereiam,

my ex-t once said something that really stuck out to me...the brass, exact facts aren't what's the most important...it's what i believed to be true and what could happen because that's usually where alot of the fear, emotions and subsequent damage are.

i tried so hard to stick with what i knew as fact, and thought i was being silly/unjustified with what i felt...much as you. That said, I know it's still hard to want to love yet despise, so much, parts of the same person.

Yes, what your father did is called abuse in my book and probably most. I know that you're probably aware of that intellectually and that if anyone else had told you what you told us, you'd probably tell them the same thing. However, it's different somehow when we speak about self, yes? We don't want to believe that. We don't want to accept...move past the denial/oblivion that's kept us going and moves us away from the severe emotional pain tapped into by just asking the question. How much more can it hurt if we accept it?

It's alright to want to love your father, but hate things he did. It's also hard to get through to the love when living with all of the "anger/rage/hate" they reflected onto us. I do believe in order to "love" him, you might have to work with someone regarding the abuse you sustained and witnessed. Also, witnessing abuse of a loved one is abuse in inself in the feelings/helplessness/fears it creates.

We're here. I'm glad you're talking...keep doing it.

KD