Well (((Rose))), actually I have been challenged when it comes to "me saying I hurt, I think this is wrong, I need to talk about how I hurt".

This past Sunday my sister brought my mom to her house because my parents had no power and it got cold. I pulled up my psychological boot straps and went to visit my mother at my sisters which is closer than driving to my parents house. I also struggle when I go to my parents because sometimes I get triggered in their house, bad things happened to me there. I don't want to "fall apart" in front of my parents because they are too old now to "understand" what it all means.

I have not been able to even hear my sister's voice without getting severely triggered for a long time. So for me to actually be in her physical presence is a big deal. I sat and listened to her go on and on about all her challenges in taking care of my parents. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself to do my best to "observe" and try not to allow myself to be triggered. My sister has been "very controling" around my parents and it got to a point where there was no way for me to be involved in that picture without having to "face so much control" along with "constant condescending messages" from my sister.

Most of my conversation with my sister was all about her talking about, "OMG, this is bad and that is hard and this happened and it is hard on her". And she always "exaggerates" and "blows things up" and "drama, drama, drama". So it is a challenge to see "the truth" and separate that from "the dramatics".

After a while as she calmed down having someone to "listen" and sympathize with her, I took a chance and shared how I am still struggling (just a little). It was clear that she changed her tempo to doing her minimum duty of "making me think she cared". Then she suddenly said, "I can't hear that, can't go there, sorry, but I have to take care of "me" right now".

After she said that I found myself flipping through so many times in my life where that really was the message. "Don't say anything, I can't hear that, sorry but "just deal" on your own because whatever it is, it isn't important enough. Also the constant message was "I don't want to hear OE's point of view, I only want to think about how I am always right".

When she shut me off, and I saw so many flips of my past, I realized that when I was little, and many other times, I DID TRY TO TELL. And it was always met with , "don't tell me, I don't want to hear it or acknowledge OE and her challenges". And "If you can't do things my way OE, then you can't play at all" and "I will ignore you completely". Also, "if you dare tell me I am wrong, I will knock you down so hard you will wish you never "challenged me". Or, you are wrong OE, you are unreasonable, no it isn't that way so "shut up". Or, what OE thinks is not important, is wrong, has no value or meaning, "unless she sees things my way". OE's job is to "follow" and "not question" or "disagree" and "we do not want to hear OE's problems, it is not important". And forget it if I am "right" and see the writing on the wall of something bad coming, danger or risk. And if no one listens, and it does come, OE has all the bad consequences dumped in her lap to be left to deal with. And, ofcourse, there is no "I am sorry" either, it is always, "Just get over it and deal with it" and "I don't want to hear it, so shut up".

Basically, what I am talking about is "victim mentality" too. And when OE is very brave and stands up, she will pay a price for that, and it usually is very hard on OE.
So much of my past has been some strange way of "working around other people and being able to see their needs and be strong". And whenever OE talks about the wrongs or how "she" hurts, she always faces being "very misunderstood".

And the other constant is if OE has an idea and is creative or "produces" or "gains" in some way, "how can I take it and then "claim it as mine"". And I could go on and on about so many different ways that has taken place. But I do know, human beings do look to those who "produce and make gains" and try to "make it their own". I am very aware that I am not the only person who, if I come up with something good, I face whatever that is to be just "wanted by someone else to claim as their own".

So, for me to "share" how I struggle and be open, it is a big deal. I write something that discribes my own pain somehow, and there is a very big part of me that is waiting to hear all those words used that mean "your pain is not important and get over it and just deal".

So, I have a tremdous amount of "empathy" when I see others making a brave effort to "talk about how they hurt somehow". And I have to be careful because I often "sacrifce my own needs to help others with their needs".

Very deep within my subconscious, I learned that "OE can't be happy", if OE is happy she will be "punished" and "whatever makes her happy will be replaced with pain". That message goes all the way back to a baby that was considered a threat for love and attention and praise. There is a very bad flashback I have, I am so little, in a crib and in a lot of pain and crying really hard and very vulnerable and frightened.
I hate that flashback, because I can't see what is happening, but it cripples me for days. And my T tells me I may never see what is happening to me because of how little I was. Of all my flashbacks, I am at a loss because that is the one I cannot resolve the way I have with all the others.

So when others talk about "not being heard" or "valued" in some way, I hear the depths of it, I know how that feels to the depths of me and how hard it is to overcome. I know what I so needed to hear myself, and because of that, I make it a point to step up to the plate and give it to others, knowing full well, they truely deserve it, and often, until they get back on their feet "psychologically", until they can realize that they actually "are worthy" and "should be happy and strong" and whatever is there that is a "loss" it truely not their fault.

Open Eyes