Great thread. I'm out of control, and I felt attached with my xT. I didn't always feel connected with him, though. With my new T, I am in control and not attached. My default is out of control/attached, unfortunately. I do think however, that I do control myself and my emotions alot, as in I push them down/away. Because of this, they end up coming out like a volcano.

When I am enraged/triggered/hurt, that is when my emotions boil over. If I am enraged, I want to verbalize it and get it out but it comes out in direct proportion with how I feel emotionally; but then, I always feel bad afterward when the white part of me shows (black and white thinking and feeling). So, if I hear T say I need to control myself when I am enraged, if he says it while I'm enraged, that part of me wants to verbalize how I feel so I get more enraged. If T says it after I am enraged, I feel embarrassed, shame, guilt, etc. because this part of me is able to be empathic and doesn't want to be out of control. Then I feel helpless because I didn't control myself, so at those points it is not so much a matter of not being able to be in control, it is more of a matter that that specific emotional state does not want to stop verbalizing my experience.

I'm not proud of this, believe me. I despise it. I suspect it is a choice at some point, but I just haven't figured it out.

Mostly it is just me verbalizing out loud. The one time, the worst time, I SI'd in T's bathroom after session. It was when I was first experiencing the torrent of emotions and handled it like a novice BPDer. When I was in the bathroom, one lady who worked there used to be my therapist, but I changed to see a male therapist in the same office.

So, I was sitting in the bathroom after I SI'd, and the lady therapist was saying, "She just dropped me like a ton of bricks, blah blah ." This is what I was thinking, "This is unbelievable. I am in SO much pain emotionally and all she can do is complain about me changing therapists? I wasn't mean or anything when I left."

I actually thought that sitting there. I'm like, what was I thinking, or more so, what was I doing. I think alot, but I wasn't thinking much in there. I was a monster. Again, I am not proud of this at all, but I'm showing that I was out of control, and what I was thinking.

So, this was a regression. Bad behavior gone wild. My first time doing anything like that and I was bewildered as much as others were. NOBODY would have ever guessed that I would do something like that, me included. I was always the well-behaved, timid child that never did anything wrong. And there I was, doing this horrifically wrong. I ended up going back to T's office, and I got a stuffed animal and laid down face first on his couch. I had taken a few Ativan I think. I can't believe I am typing this, because I don't EVER want to think about this. Thinking about me looking like a child, I am SOOOO disgusted about that and it happened 7 years ago. I have visuals of me lying there on the couch, and it disgusts me. Afterwards, I kind of shrouded it in some humor, but it doesn't work now. I never want to see the type of animal that stuffed animal was as long as I live. I never want to see the visuals again. Period. My T should have consequenced me by terminating me. I guess he chose to give me a free pass on this one. I chose and still choose not give myself clemency on this one. The angry emails, I choose to not give myself clemency. T should have terminated me.

Thank you for letting me post this. I so badly want to understand others on this site. I gave an example of the worst thing I did when I was out of control/regressed. I want to say I would do it differently if I had a do over, I would if I knew what i know now. But at that point, it was a reaction.

I think the OP was right, that I felt helpless then and I feel the same way now. I want to understand when others say that I have a choice, because I honestly don't understand.

I am looking forward to reading others' posts! It gets a little hairy sometimes with all of the emotions flowing, and I'm guilty, but I honestly want to hear, understand, and learn from those that have a more detached attachment instead of a preoccupied attachment like mine. I have alot to learn and alot of progress to make, and I appreciate everybody on this site