antimatter, I just want to say I think you're being too hard on yourself about what happened after that t session. Your former T (the lady who talked about you dropping her), if I got that situation right, was kind of cruel for saying that instead of offering you some support! It wasn't a terrible thing to lie down on the couch like a child afterward, either. Those feelings were from a child part of you, and that's nothing to be ashamed about.

I am very connected to my T. That was easy to answer. But I'm not sure about the control part. I used to be very much in control of my feelings, and one part of me still is, because I can't cry in therapy. I have total control over the ability to cry or not cry in therapy though I wish I didn't.

Otherwise, I feel out-of-control somewhat. Are you saying being out of control is negative or positive? That's confusing to me. It has a negative connotation but you, lola, are talking about being vulnerable in therapy and that is a good quality, so we can get the help we need. After years with different Ts, I tell my current T everything I feel even if it's hard to do. That makes me vulnerable. I tell her I want to hold her hand or hug her, and that makes me feel the same way.

I used to always want to able to "let go" in therapy, withOUT losing control. I think that's the goal, not to be out of control. Or maybe I'm confused about the definitions. Anyway, letting go makes me feel more connected to my T. It's a relief to not have to hold back even though it's uncomfortable. Kind of overwhelming for someone who was always so shy and never let anyone see my feelings or know what was going on inside of me.