Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
I'm out of control, and I felt attached with my xT. I didn't always feel connected with him, though. With my new T, I am in control and not attached. My default is out of control/attached, unfortunately. I do think however, that I do control myself and my emotions alot, as in I push them down/away. Because of this, they end up coming out like a volcano.
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Your xT experience is probably what is causing you to attempt to be in control more now, abrupt termination of attachment caused you to self harm. hence non attachment with current T... verifying my theory
A true connection can be reached through willingness to be vulnerable or give in and not try to emotionally control, and its a huge part of therapy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
When I am enraged/triggered/hurt, that is when my emotions boil over. If I am enraged, I want to verbalize it and get it out but it comes out in direct proportion with how I feel emotionally; but then, I always feel bad afterward when the white part of me shows (black and white thinking and feeling). So, if I hear T say I need to control myself when I am enraged, if he says it while I'm enraged, that part of me wants to verbalize how I feel so I get more enraged. If T says it after I am enraged, I feel embarrassed, shame, guilt, etc. because this part of me is able to be empathic and doesn't want to be out of control. Then I feel helpless because I didn't control myself , so at those points it is not so much a matter of not being able to be in control, it is more of a matter that that specific emotional state does not want to stop verbalizing my experience.
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Maybe your controlling or more specifically suppression of emotion, is building up like shaking a soda can....
And as far as the enraged portion... you can't fight a fire properly from the center of it... you know what I mean?
I suspect the guilt is there after the fire regardless if T called you out in the moment and added fuel to the fire or not. I think lots of us have guilt and shame. Your not helpless , you have a choice here.... this is where we learn to make better choices and stop being reactionary to situations, is helpless for you more like giving up on your perceived ability to control your emotions? I think this is important.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
I actually thought that sitting there. I'm like, what was I thinking, or more so, what was I doing. I think alot, but I wasn't thinking much in there. I was a monster. Again, I am not proud of this at all, but I'm showing that I was out of control, and what I was thinking.
So, this was a regression. Bad behavior gone wild. My first time doing anything like that and I was bewildered as much as others were. NOBODY would have ever guessed that I would do something like that, me included. I was always the well-behaved, timid child that never did anything wrong. And there I was, doing this horrifically wrong. I ended up going back to T's office, and I got a stuffed animal and laid down face first on his couch. I had taken a few Ativan I think. I can't believe I am typing this, because I don't EVER want to think about this. Thinking about me looking like a child, I am SOOOO disgusted about that and it happened 7 years ago. I have visuals of me lying there on the couch, and it disgusts me. Afterwards, I kind of shrouded it in some humor, but it doesn't work now. I never want to see the type of animal that stuffed animal was as long as I live. I never want to see the visuals again. Period. My T should have consequenced me by terminating me. I guess he chose to give me a free pass on this one. I chose and still choose not give myself clemency on this one. The angry emails, I choose to not give myself clemency. T should have terminated me.
But at that point, it was a reaction.
I think the OP was right, that I felt helpless
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You weren't thinking it was reactionary, emotional can of coke spilled over.
You shouldnt forget this nor try to pretend it didnt happen.... you know why we study history in school? To learn from our previous mistakes. You should process this with a T.... learn from it and stop beating yourself up for it.... we have all had our versions of the "meltdown", I've had several. T shouldn't have terminated you that is what was the proverbial final straw in the first can of coke.... little you was reactionary...I get this. Thank you for all your input and I hope you find what you are looking for with PC.
