Yeah that is kind of similar to how I feel. I mean like I feel rather pathetic for some reasons, reasons many would consider someone pathetic for yet people tell me I am not but then I feel like I am only lying to myself by accepting if someone says I am a good person and just a little lost for instance.

Like sometimes I wonder if I am nice to people, and maybe even a little to helpful towards them to the extent of neglecting my own needs just to make up for feeling like such a screw up and not because I am nice person. That could maybe use a lessen or two in assertiveness not to be used or walked all over.

The other day I don't know why suicide came up but my brother said he'd hate me if I did that, and well you know I thought it seemed harsh but then he explained it would just be that painful to him since I'm his sister and he loves me he would feel a lot of anger and frustration about it. So I get it, but if offing myself would hurt the very people I care about that much then what is there to do. Can't seem to make it at a job hence why I am applying for SSI, seems like I need drugs to keep then anxiety and some other symptoms under control to get enough relief to function somewhat........people tell me there is nothing wrong with it if I say I take presciption meds which I am now..but then I've been called all kinds of things for self medicating with cannabis and alcohol for the same reason I am taking the prescription meds. Like I was trying to make a point on some other site and someone basically said my opinion shouldn't count because I'm just an addict(for what doing what I could to try and get through college, yeah it ended up not working out since I still had to endure going to the campus and being reminded of the cause of my PTSD every day, couldn't really go to class drunk or high, well I suppose I could have but I felt that would be kinda disrespectful to the professors or college or whatever. But when it came to home work being a bit under the influence helped me relax so I could concentrate on my college homework rather then be distracted by a bombardment of negative thoughts). So yeah it was a bit offensive to me......but even so then I still feel bad for having had to resort to that and still failing college anyways just cause I couldn't keep going to the campus.

I think instead of having just 'substance abuse' as a symptom of PTSD they should include self medication....not saying I've never abused substances but that to me is more of a depression thing I've purposely overdone things as a form of self harm not enough to die but yeah self medication is different since the point of that is just to try and function better not self harm.

I sometimes want to try maybe going to college and taking my anxiety meds while on campus(never had any before, but got prescribed klonopin), but I don't want to just screw up again and owe even more in student debt. But yeah people don't like it when I seem 'self loathing' but then half the time I feel I have every reason to be that way...I don't imagine this is much help. But yeah I feel like there is something wrong that can never be repaired.