I think hating myself protects me in an irrational way. It provides a psychological and physical barrier to the possibility of others hating me, leaving me, hurting me, rejecting me. If I have the self hatred hat on, if someone else is hurtful to me, I just up the hatred and I then feel in control. I can hurt myself more than anyone else can. People can easily hurt me because I am so sensitive. It's like me telling people, no matter what you do to me, it will never be any match to what I can do to myself. Illogical. Isn't working. But I keep doing it. Self hatred is what I know best. So, I guess for me it is a self defeating illogical defense mechanism that makes feel in control. My intellect can barely stand to type this.