I haven't posted for several weeks. Been lurking.

Much has happened since I last posted.

• I now have 9 workdays left until I will probably be fired. I'm still not doing better at the job. Just hanging in there in hopes of being fired rather than quitting so I can get unemployment (since I wouldn't be eligible for unemployment if I quit).
• For the most part, I've made peace with the idea of being fired. The freaking-out episodes have settled down. I've tried to pray, meditate, stay calm.
• My psychiatrist says he isn't too concerned about me because it sounds like I've been thinking in a logical way about my situation. I've applied for a few jobs, although nothing has happened with them. I'm saving a bit of cash to tide me over when I get fired, since there is usually a waiting period of a few weeks before the unemployment payments kick in.
• My psychiatrist also said he wants to leave me on my current dosage of Wellbutrin. While I went through a VERY depressed period a few weeks ago, I'm not feeling as bad now. He said it's normal for someone in my situation to feel bad about the possibility of getting fired, so let's give this medication more of a chance to work before ditching it.
• He gave me a prescription for Xanax, but I decided not to fill it. He said a slight sedative might help during the times when I'm freaking out, but I really don't like the idea of being sedated.
• I'm on the generic Wellbutrin, so when I lose my job and insurance I will be able to afford it, since many pharmacies now charge just $4 for a 30-day supply of generics.
• I've got a new client for my side business and the possibility of more clients is looking good.

While it sounds like I'm doing sort of OK, I am now sitting in bed feeling sick to my stomach and the stress level is rising.

My son just told me he is planning on moving out of our house within the next few weeks. This set me off on a solid week of crying. I don't cry easily, and this put me into a state of tears streaming down my face without warning. I'm really hurt by this. I realize he is grown. He's a young man now, not a child. But I wasn't ready for this to happen. It's smacking me in the face -- he's grown, he's finished, our relationship won't be the same, he doesn't need me anymore, I'll be here by myself, I won't look forward to him coming home even if I only see him for 5 minutes per day tops. And all of those things I'd hoped to do with him "someday" will never happen now. I had hoped to be a better mom, to give him a better life, more stuff, more travel and experiences and vacations, more stability instead of me always being either hypomanic or depressed. But it's over.

I'm caught up in yet another situation with my mom and my sibling. My sibling is in dire financial circumstances. And, while I'm not in a position where I can help financially, I could help a little here and there. It's down to the point where my sibling is searching for employment, has a chance to accept a job with a 2-hour daily commute (jobs closer to home just aren't panning out), but can't even afford gas money to get there. Also, the mortgage payments are behind and there is a risk of becoming homeless. When I mentioned to my mother how concerned I am about sibling, she said she is NOT going to offer to help sibling financially. She can afford to, but she won't. Even if sibling asks for help, she won't. Then here is the part that made me feel like someone had kicked me in the gut -- she said that if I help sibling at all, she will no longer help me in any way because if she is helping me (which she has recently), and then I help sibling, it all boils down to HER helping sibling through me.

It's twisted, I know. My mother's logic is weird.

I was thinking I should send gas money so sibling can get this new job started and begin working out from under the financial burden. But now I'm thinking about what my mom said. If I help sibling, she will no longer help me. Ever.

But how would she ever know if I helped sibling? Believe me. She would find out. She always does. It's strange.

Back on the topic of my son getting ready to leave the nest... I'm worried about what will happen to me once he's gone. My mom owns the house we live in. I pay rent. She has said in the past (when we were in our rocky spots and she was angry at me) that the only reason she allows me to stay in the house is so my son can have a home, and once he is gone I will no longer be allowed to live here.

Will she kick me out? Will she try to sell the house in this bad economy? If so, I have more than 10 years of accumulated stuff that I need to go through and get rid of. I'm not as bad as an episode of "Hoarders," but I still have many hours worth of manual labor ahead of me if I'm going to have to get out.

Plus I can't afford another place. I've checked around. I've got a really good deal here. For the amount of rent I pay, there is no way I can find something comparable. I'd have to get something a lot smaller, older, in bad shape, possibly ghetto-like, on the bad side of town, etc.

And my credit is shot and I'm about to lose my job, so it would be difficult to get approved.

On top of all of this, I'm sure my mom will be furious when she finds out my son has moved out. She likes to control us, and this will put him outside of her control. If I had been a better mother, he wouldn't have moved out. I'm sure that's what I'll hear, as if I need anymore negative crap going on in my life.

I feel stressed out again. Not so much about losing the job, but more about my unknown living situation in the near future.

I feel like I have an obligation to help my sibling, yet I've been told I'm not allowed to do so. But whether I help my sibling is up to me, not my mother.