thank u suzy i know what u mean about relief over ur mothers suicide...i feel guilty saying it but the only way i feel i can ever be rid of her is if she dies. she just feels like this huge looming presence like a ghost haunting me. i am often scared i will develop bipolar...i have dysthymia (just a fancy name for chronic mild depression) and have had anorexia in the past but am now recovered from the latter. my parents decided to ignore the both - i think i was used as proof they were adequate parents and they didn't want anymore mental health problems in the family. i've been doing a fair bit of writing recently and i'm trying to gradually turn it into a memoir about my experiences growing up with my mother. it's actually helping a lot to write it all out.