This is such a huge thing for me. The very idea of daring to think I shouldn't hate myself makes me feel so so wrong. I know what a worthless thing I am and to try to pretend otherwise is delusional. There are times when I try to accept myself and just be okay with who I am but they usually lead to a horrible backlash where I have to punish myself and remind myself how bad I am so that I never ever make the mistake of forgetting again....not the healthiest way to be according to my T. We are trying to work on acceptance and feeling like I am a decent human being(self love is way too much to try for- like Lola that seems arrogant to me and thus wrong for me). It's a tough battle.

As others have said, in some ways it's safer and better to remind myself of how hateful I am, that way I don't invite others to remind me and sow me how deficient I am in every way.