Yes, I understand everything you are saying and I have often felt that way myself. Well, if you get "turned off" by the word "healing" then you need to find another way of thinking about it. I actually prefer the words "gaining and growing" past each stage of PTSD. I also remember to open myself up to "YET" as well.

I am "still" struggling Little Me, but I have progressed to a point where I am also beginning to see "progress and gains" as well. However, what is making it hard for me is I also have a lot of "bad situations" going on around me that I just wish I didn't have to deal with at the same time. I am also at a point where I have "gained enough" where I get angry because I am very aware of how much hard work it has been for me, and people around me truely do not realize how really hard it is.

It has also been very helpful to me to "understand" the reason why I am struggling and to make sure I set aside a part of myself that really "gives myself" a break when I have some bad days.

The "conscious" mind that we all use every day is a very "small" part of our brain. For someone who doesn't have PTSD, the conscious mind is set up to take in "new and unexpected information or interactions" and grab onto "subconscious" knowledge to reply and process both with reason and emotion. Over our lives we learn ways to "express" emotional anger or sensational responses to things we don't like. For example, a person driving a car who is cut off by another driver will show anger and talk away expressing their anger at the other driver, even if the other driver cannot "hear" them. They let this emotion out and then feel a sense of relief because they "expelled" the anger. When someone is challenged with PTSD, this process is "magnified" and they experience it very differently and can respond with "more anxiety" that is not as "easy" for them to "regulate".

When someone has PTSD, their "conscious mind" has a harder time because it is not only dealing with "incoming messages" it is also trying to "process many messages that are coming forward from the "subconscious" mind that are "constant unresolved questions". That is why I have used the example of the "pile of books that have fallen out of a bookcase". It is "tedious" work to "slowly" pick up each book (a memory or challenge) at a time and identify it carefully until it can be put on the shelf again as "something resolved". As that process gets to a point where there are more books finally placed on the shelf, the brain can slowly work more normally again as the conscious mind takes in messages and processes in a more normal way. But until that happens, the person who struggles with PTSD feels challenged and often unprepared and is often "tired' and feels like they are "over worked" somehow by daily everyday living. Hense so many will say, "I wish I could "just" again like I used to".
And there is often a lot of "frustration" because other people often advise to "just" get over, deal, do not dwell, etc. Well, when someone has PTSD they become very "aware" they cannot do that.

The "only" way to gain on PTSD, is to "slowly' work at each and every "book" or "troubled memory" that was caused by "trama" and "never really having the answers to it". Yes, there are lots of books because of that challenge that you never realized were formed, not your fault.

(((Little Me))), I was a victim of CSA from a very young age. I developed all kinds of ways to "help myself" survive and thrive in life. I did not know what "anxiety was" and there were many things I struggled with because of that ongoing abuse. My whole life, I was looking over my shoulder, and I often could see things others could not and was always misunderstood too. I have a very "troubling and sad" pile of books to sort through. I have been very angry, and I have also grieved to the "depths of me" and I have also realized how I was "inhibited" for reasons that were never "my fault" and a lot of it is sad because I was "hurt" more than I realized.

Yes, like you many thought I was brave and strong as well. But I always had doubts about myself and often felt "less than" and that I was only good at "being resourceful" and that I was never "smart or accomplished as others". And I always "noticed" when others struggled and felt a need to "reach out" somehow. Many times people advised me to "not care so much".

Each person is "different" in what they need to "sort through" in that pile Little Me.
In the "gaining" through PTSD, and it really is "through", it is up and down and very "tiring" and "lonely". But, if you give yourself "time" to understand and "lots of self care" and "patience" you "will" make "gains on it". And no, you are not alone in this challenge, I am doing it too. And yes, it is a lot of work, but you can slowly "gain" on it.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes