I do understand this and have had my own struggles with SI. I have gradually come to welcome my memories, body-wise and other, and have felt that I want all my memories, because they belong to me.

It's been too long and I couldn't really explain the process of eliminating SI, but I know it had a lot to do with being able to somehow acknowledge the memories, so they would leave me alone, and not wanting to continue to abuse myself and keep the abuse alive through what I did to me (making it as if the perpetrator had won or that he still continued to have an influence over me), and realizing that I and my body were worthy of kindness.

I am sorry that the memories dog you and that you have to respond with SI to cope. I know that you know that there are better ways, and you have better ways to cope, and when you are ready, you'll make the changes you need to.

Thanks for replying and letting me know that I'm not alone in how I feel. I appreciate that more than you can ever know.